Smoker Mom
November 3, 2011 5 Comments
I smoked for 15 years. It’s crazy for me to even say it now, but for 15 years of my life, I was a smoker. And boy, was I good at it. I was dedicated to the practice, smoking frequently and with great pleasure. I loved smoking and everything about it — the taste, the smell, the habit, the instant friendships formed by simple virtue of being of a class of people who willingly set ablaze a paper tube of chopped up leaves and known carcinogens.
I quit in March of 2008 when I found out I was pregnant. I feel very grateful that I was forced to quit because I probably wouldn’t have otherwise. I’ve been smoke-free for over three-and-a-half years and don’t miss it at all.
When I quit, I vowed I would never be one of “those” ex-smokers who wrinkle their nose at the smell and chastise anyone who chooses to smoke.
At least, that’s what I told myself. In reality, I do wonder why people still smoke — not in a sanctimonious sort of way, but I so rarely see people smoking anymore that it really strikes me when I do see it.
That’s why I’m having a new and strange moral/parenting dilemma.
There’s a woman at the girls’ school who has twin boys, one of whom is in the girls’ class (she has her boys in separate classrooms). I never thought much of her. We were pretty much on a polite head nod and quick “hello” sort of basis.
Last week, the school did Dress-Up Day for Halloween. The teachers asked me to be the room mom for the day, so I stayed the whole time. This other mom also hung out in the class room for about an hour to take photos and watch the Halloween parade.
Anyhow, we got to talking, swapping twin pregnancy stories and such. (Actually, she did most of the talking, but anyway.) We found out we both have memberships to a local children’s garden-thing and she sort of halfway casually said we should all go together one day. Fun!
Then, on Tuesday, I happened to be behind her as we pulled out of the school parking lot after dropping the kids off. And what did I see in her rearview mirror?
Mommy lighting a cigarette!
She smokes! A mommy who smokes! Gasp!!
Thing is, I was also behind her on the way to drop off the kids one morning a couple of weeks ago and saw her smoking WITH THE KIDS IN THE CAR. But the thought seems so crazy to me that I figured I was just seeing things.
So what am I supposed to do with this? I feel like a total dick for even halfway criticizing Smoker Mom for smoking (with kids! in the car!!). And it makes me a complete jerk to kind of rather not hang out with someone who might potentially smoke in front of/around my kids, doesn’t it?
It’s just . . . shit, man. You don’t smoke around little kids. I’m sorry, but I don’t want my kids to be around smokers if I can help it. I grew up in a family of smokers and I know what it’s like. I took my first drag of a cigarette when I was SIX. I HATED that my mom and grandparents smoked. It disgusted me. Do you know what it’s like to be in the backseat of a smoker’s car? You’re constantly dodging hot ashes, flying sparks and clouds of toxic fumes.
What do you think? Am I an asshole for feeling this way? Does it make me a hypocrite? What would you do?
5 comments
I'm guilty of judging. Sometimes I see a parent in the pick-up line with a cigarette and I think that is bad. But, a part of me feels guilty for judging them because maybe that is their last cigarette of the night – right before they pick up the kids. Still, I know the car must stink!
I grew up without smokers in my family, but I wouldn't want someone smoking closely to G&C if I could help it. I mean, we walk past the smokers outside the malls etc (I love the no smoking in restaurant laws we have now!!) but to have a friend's parent smoking on a playdate would make me uncomfortable.
Maybe if you don't contact her, she won't contact you. I do not think you are a hypocrite. That would be if you did smoke in your car with the kids and then thought ill of her for doing it. You don't. We are all intitled to think our own thoughts and have our own feelings and opinions about stuff. And on this… I totally agree with you. It's just…shit, man.
I think you're right. You saw the light and quit smoking because something bigger than that came about – your pregnancy. I cannot imagine how anyone would willingly subject their children to cigarette smoke. If she does it in the car, she likely does it at home. It's not that I'm all judgey in that I think smoking is so "gross" and "easy to quit", because it's not easy to quit, I get that. And if you're not around kids, I don't really care if you smoke or not. But really, it is SO SO SO SO SO SO SO very bad for you, and secondhand smoke is just as bad. Subjecting little children to it is downright awful. I judge, too.
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The thing is, it is wrong. Not "call CPS" wrong, but it's a bad choice. You're not an asshole, and you're certainly not a hypocrite, given that you've stopped. I'd be tempted to ask her about it in a "wow, does anyone ever give you crap for smoking around your kids?" conversational sort of way, but I doubt I'd actually do it.
If you don't want her smoking around you and the girls, though, you could always just tell her your history and ask her to hold back when she's around you guys. She'll probably be defensive, but Jesus. It's 2011. My MIL pretends she didn't know secondhand smoke was dangerous when she was raising my husband, but really, there's no excuse for it now.
(And P.S.: you're awesome for quitting and staying quit.)
I grew up with a smoker and hated it. I would not want to expose my kids to it either. If I were you, I'd avoid her and hope she forgets about the plans. She'll get the hint.
And don't be so nice to everyone you meet!
Sort of funny how kids can replace cigarettes in terms of that great uniter that brings strangers together. Kids are much healthier for us, I think.
There are many things in life you can't control. There are some things you can. The girls will not be harmed by not having a playdate with this other woman's kids. No need to have images in front of them you would rather them not see. They will learn soon enough on their own.
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