Bean Soup
August 17, 2010 19 Comments
I don’t know about you, but nothing puts me in a more festive mood than making some hot, thick bean soup in the middle of August in Florida.
I’ve been saving this recipe for a Spanish-style bean soup for a while. The craving finally hit and I made it, using Spanish chorizo instead of andouille sausage. But that’s beside the point.
The point is this:
I’ve never used great northern beans as called for in the recipe. Neither have I ever worked with kale, a collard-like green, leafy vegetable.
Turns out that these items are pretty potent. The soup was delicious. Deee-li-shus. But I’m estimating that, between the kale and beans, there were approximately 18 grams of fiber per spoonful of my soup.
We ate the soup on Sunday evening. Within a couple of hours, it hit us. A little cheek lift here. A walking rat-a-tat-tat fart there. A poof of wind on the way to the kitchen.
Soon, these innocent gastrointestinal gusts started getting more dangerous. Throughout the night, Chris and I lifted the bed sheets — and not in a kinky sort of way, either.
Monday morning, Chris emerged from his daily visit to the throne, complaining of some minor intestinal upset. Specifically, his insides had liquefied and he was concerned that he would die of dehydration or an evaporated bowel.
Lucky for me, I have a stronger stomach. Gas, yes. Pee shits, no. Monday afternoon, I dared to have a bowl of the tasty soup for lunch. Again, within an hour or so, I was doing the one-cheek salute to expel the increasingly toxic fumes.
The problem wasn’t the farting in itself. Around here, we enjoy, announce and even celebrate our gas. It was the intensity, the frequency and the duration of the gaseous episodes that ended up posing an issue.
Eight hours after consuming my bean soup for lunch, I was still farting like a geriatric. Even Elise and Althea were noticing, imitating a farting sound every time Chris or I would pass gas. At one point, I went to the bathroom and Althea pointed at the bathroom door and said, “Ama! PPBBBLBLLLBBBP!”
I knew things were out of control when I let a silent-but-deadly one fly and saw the cat lift his head, take a sniff and — I shit you not — move to the other couch.
If you’ve ever owned a cat, you know that it takes a lot for a sleeping cat to get up and move from a comfortable couch.
Monday night, I decided to freeze the remainder of the soup. Tasty as the soup was, Chris’ tender stomach and my sulfuric intestinal juices couldn’t handle any more.
We chuckled at the whole experience — haha, crazy pregnancy cravings; haha fiber soup; haha our colons are gone.
At about 6 o’clock this morning, I wasn’t laughing anymore. There was no mirth or merriment when Chris threw back the sheets, jumped out of bed and screamed “AWWWWWWWWW SHIT!”
I flailed awake in a panic. “What?? What the fuck is going on?”
“God damn that bean soup! I just shit the bed!”
“…….Are you serious?”
“I dreamt I was taking a shit and I shit the bed. Mark your calendar. I’m 36 years old and I just . . . Oh JESUS CHRIST!” he screamed, holding his butt cheeks together as he ran off to the bathroom.
From behind the closed bathroom door, sitting on the toilet, shitting his brains out at 6 a.m.: “GOD DAMN THAT BEAN SOUP!!”
19 comments
Oh shit!
omg i just cried. that was hilarious.
Funniest fart story I've ever heard, and we also celebrate our gas around here. I laughed so hard I spit coffee.
Oh mercy me that is hilarious! Does he know you told the world he made stinky potty in his pants?
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What a riot! I started laughing out loud at the cat moving part and wa sin about tears by the end! Thanks for sharing that!!!!
No kidding, this post brought tears to my eyes because I was laughing so hard.
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OMG, laughing so hard I'm crying. Oh man.
That's some funny shit right there.
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Seriously, I am crying right now that is so hilarious!!! Awesome, I can't wait to share it with my husband!
Holy cow, or should I say, Holy Shit. Thanks for ending my shitty day at work with a laugh.
Having 3 year old twins, we often talk about this subject, I love it. You know, everyone does it.
I'm a new reader and oh my God, you just made me cry from laughing so much. My husband thought I was nuts!
Stay away from Fiber One muffins. I ate 6 while visiting my parent's house (no, my dear mother didn't inform me that they were FO until after the fact) thanks to a lovely pregnancy craving. At least I was able to add to the aroma of the zoo the next day!
I just died a little.
This is right up there with your CA traffic/poop story. One more poop-in-the-bed incident and you're going to have to put Chris in a home!
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Holy crap. Literally. Holy crap. That's freaking awesome. Laughed so hard I have mascara streaming down my face. Thanks for brightening my day in such a malodorous way.
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Amazing. *wipes tears*
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OMFG. Laughing my ass off here! Never commented before but any post about poop deserves a delurking.
OK, I am back. I just read that post to my husband and we both have tears of laughter streaming down our faces!! Thanks for providing our Friday night entertainment!
No words. Just none.
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Great story…course I'm a little pissed that it just caused me to pee all over my chair!
OMG why am I reading this now… hahahaha So freaking hilarious! Poor Chris… no more bean soup for you!
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