A Weighty Issue
August 9, 2010 21 Comments
This pregnancy is posing a lot of issues for me — issues I didn’t have or feel with the twins, so this is all a bit scary. To explain:
When I found out we were having twins back in April 2008, I felt like we’d been somehow “chosen.” Silly, I know. But I saw it as a gift, a great responsibility with which I’d been entrusted. I took it as my sole duty to nurture and grow those babies to the best of my ability.
Despite having battled serious body issues throughout my life, I felt little trepidation about the weight I purposely gained. It was all temporary, I thought. When the stretch marks appeared, I took them in stride. When I explored my post-partum body, I accepted its changes for what they were and promised myself I’d do the best I could to improve it.
At 16 months post-partum, all was beginning to feel fine and well. I was back in the gym, just a few pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight. I’d finally pulled out my “skinny” clothes, even fitting into some of them. I had weaned the girls from breastfeeding so I could get back on Lamictal, a medication for bi-polar disorder that I’d had a ton of success with.
I finally felt like I was getting my body and life back.
In the back of my mind, I was dreaming of the surgery that would re-join my stomach muscles. In an even further recess of my mind, I thought maybe, just maybe, we shouldn’t have more kids. Our girls were perfect and awesome. Why mess it up?
And then . . . Well, I got pregnant again. I really, really wasn’t ready for it. It’s not that I didn’t or don’t want or love the baby. It’s that it wasn’t planned and really caught me off guard.
So this time around, I’m having body issues. 21 weeks into the pregnancy and I’ve gained about five pounds. This is nothing compared to the twenty-ish I’d gained by this point with the twins, but every ounce of this new weight is filled with panic and self-loathing.
That nagging bitch of a voice in my head questions, Five pounds so far — so what does that mean for the rest of the pregnancy? How on earth am I going to keep my weight gain below 25 pounds? 20 pounds? 15? I don’t want to puff up, I don’t want a fat face, I don’t want melting thighs and a monster ass.
The bitch goes on. My stomach . . . Ugh, my god, my stomach. The silvery-white stretch marks circling the center of my abdomen, scarring the folds of loose skin left from my last pregnancy, are turning faintly purple. The weakened skin is going to give out. Again. And stretch even more. Again.
I panic. I self-pity. I don’t understand. I thought I paid my dues with my first pregnancy. I sacrificed and worked hard and did everything right. I let my body do what it wanted and needed. I grew two full-sized, healthy babies, delivered them vaginally, nursed them for almost a year and a half, stayed home with them to raise them in the best environment I could give.
And this is what I get? Anxiety about weight gain, depression, stress and more stretch marks?
I realize all of this is unhealthy thinking. Frankly, it’s shameful and embarrassing to feel any of this at all. It’s so superficial, so shallow, so silly.
I’m supposed to be jolly and maternal. I’m supposed to give motherly smiles to strangers. I’m supposed to be glowing, goddammit.
But that nagging voice, that belittling bitch that tells me how worthless and disgusting I am, is seeping in.
I thought I was too fucking old for this shit. I know better than this.
These are just feelings. They are temporary. I love this baby, her little punches and kicks, the weight of her growing body, the thought of her in our lives. I will grow her and adore her and do a good job with her, too.
But these damned feelings…
So I tell my little girl I’m sorry and I love you and This has nothing to do with you.
My only defense right now is not thinking about it too much. It hurts — hurts to feel it, hurts to admit I feel it.
I promise I’ll try to be sarcastic and funny again soon. Right now, I’m just working through this the best I can.
21 comments
Hugs to you, momma. You know, I just read your "Dear Body" post from after your girls were born. WOW, is all I can say. It is fantastically written. We are our own worst critics, as you know. And believe me, I frantically rub stupid expensive creams and weird bird fat oil into my skin in the hopes that my thirty something body will somehow lose the crepey tummy skin… I feel down about it a lot, too. It is the double edged sword of motherhood. The amazing awe and deep love felt for our babies and our amazing bodies, and the shock of viewing our bodies in the aftermath. But it slowly rights itself to something new, and as you beautifully wrote, "ravaged with the signs of life", — just reading that now makes me appreciate it so much more. Thank you.
I'm glad you can talk through this. I'm so sorry it's this hard right now, but I have so much admiration for your bravery and the fact that you're in a place where you can express and this and try to work through it. Miss you, love you.
I'm sorry you're going through this. It's easy to say that you'll get through it and that you need to concentrate on your beauty and growing that lovely baby, but that's just words. I wonder if maybe you tried to replace each bad thought with something positive, or tried to meditate for some peace? I really don't know – everything in my head sounds like such BS, but know that you're not alone and that your body is perfect doing its job and will be beautiful again after the baby is born.
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i'm not a mama, so i can't say i've been there. and i've never even read your blog before today. i just heard you needed some love. so here are some hugs from a stranger who wants you to feel better.
You aren't SUPPOSED to feel shit. Promises. Every thing you're feeling makes perfect sense. And you're talking about it and processing it and that is such a good sign of mental HEALTH, actually.
That being said… I'm so sorry you're struggling with this right now. Donating your body to motherhood can be a bitch sometimes.
it's not selfish and superficial. it's how you are feeling, and it's completely real. thank goodness you are brilliant enough to put words to your reality and share it with people so that you are not alone. because you. are. not. alone.
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hugs to you. A changing body is hard to deal with, and so is the guilt because you aren't glowy and happy 100% of the time
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More hugs to you… After my first baby (a small 6lb 3oz) I had gotten back to under my pregnancy weight. Imagine my surprise then that with 2 & 3 (9lb 12oz and 9lb 9oz respectively) that even with doing all the same things that I gained a whole lot more weight, a whole lot more stretch marks, and a whole lot more negative feelings about my body that I am still not over.
Aftermath is a good word. And we get through it and we learn to love our bodies for what they are for our daughters' sakes. They really are amazing, even when they don't look like what they used to!
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Would it help any to know you're not alone? I'm pregnant with my second — my firstborn is 14 months old — and I was, similarly, just starting to feel good about my body again when, Whammo! Now I'm terrified at the thought of 2 under 2 and I hate how my body feels right now. The first time was amazing. This time … ugh. I'm 16 weeks and lost weight initially this time (not last time) and have only gained a couple of pounds but I feel every. single. one. of. them. and it isn't a good feeling. I know all too well how connected body issues and confidence are for me. I just can't figure out I'm how I got the free pass through this with the first pregnancy, when everything seemed all sunshine and roses. Anyway, hugs to you, mama. I hear you. I feel you.
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"Donating your body to motherhood can be a bitch…" Hm, I like this. Ain't it the truth, though?
It DOES help to know I'm not alone. I finished writing this post and felt like a whiny 15 year old and wanted to take it all back because SURELY no one else is going to come out and say they felt this way. Thanks for commenting
There must be something about the second pregnancy "surprise." I had many insecurities about pregnancy #2 that I didn't feel with #1. In my case, part of it is the experience of knowing what you are in for. The first time you have a wonderment about the situation, the second time you are like, oh shit, not again. (And then I had the nagging feeling, I didn't really want this again, right now). And then the GUILT. My encouragement is that when I held West in my arms, I knew all my feelings were mute. But the journey for me was HARD. Sending good vibes.
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I wish I had some sort of heartfelt thing to say to warm your insides…your brain and heart. I also wish I had something witty to say which would make you say "Yeah that's true but now I think all the problems are the funniest things ever". I wish I could invite you over here for lunch where your girls could play with my son and daughter and we could laugh at the four of them then laugh at ourselves and then go on talking about whatever it was we had been talking about previously.
You will survive. And you will get over this mountain you are trying to climb. You have a great support team right here. . .how many people follow you here? On twitter? On facebook? Any other pages? We all follow you because we love you and your girls.. . . .your whole family.
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I know it is hard to feel bad about your body, but please try to almost "force" yourself to replace the negative thoughts with positive ones. I have a daughter who is now 25, and was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 10. She has had 15 years of complications and that list is so long I won't post it here. But she got really sick about 2 years ago – had to quit school with only 15 hrs left to graduate, quit her job, leave her home, boyfriend and friends and move back home – is now on total disability. She went back on chemo and lost her hair for the 2nd time in her life – has had 12 surgeries in the past 20 months – with 5 of those being in the past 3 months – the last 3 were major brain surgeries. Our family is on the verge of bankruptcy because I was "let go" from my job due to having to take care of her – I had been there almost 7 years and it was a church, of all places – along with that went our health insurance (fortunately my daughter is now on Medicaid, but I have nothing). We are about to lose our house, so we put it up for sale in the hopes that we can sell it before it gets foreclosed on, and we will move into an apt. or maybe an RV – already one car repossessed, and there is no way to pay for the medical bills (we have unpaid bills from 15 years ago).
My daughter faces more surgeries, and more chemo and will deal with life-threatening complications for the rest of her life. When she was diagnosed at age 10, she had never had more than a sore throat and was a healthy, happy little girl.
So please think about the positives in your life and the things you have to be thankful for. Number one is: is everyone healthy? Nothing is more important.
Melanie, I am sure you came here with the best of intentions, and I am so sorry to hear about what you and your family have gone through. That being said, I think you're being a bit unfair to Idoia here. How would it make you feel if I read your comment and then decided I should try to one-up it somehow, reminding you of the people I have known who have fought cancer and lost? This isn't misery poker. I don't believe Idoia was asserting at all that her problems are the worst problems in the world, but they ARE her problems. Everyone has their own burden to bear, and I am truly sorry that yours has been so much heavier than most.
Idoia – I didn't have a chance to leave a comment when I read your post earlier this morning, but I wanted you to know that I think every little bit of what you're feeling is normal. I was overweight as a child and through most of college, but I managed to get myself down to a healthy BMI. Gaining weight for my first pregnancy didn't bother me too much, but the second was a lot harder. My belly popped earlier, my skin was already stretched … it's just hard to feel good about yourself at all. Just keep on growing that precious baby and know we'll be here to listen any time you need to vent. Big hugs.
Sometimes I ask myself, "If my girls came to me with the anxieties I am feeling, what would I say to them?" Wouldn't you tell your girls you love them as they are, that they are beautiful, that they are smart and powerful, which is more valuable that anything superficial? But it is so hard to tell ourselves these things.
With 3 girls, you'll have no problem shedding that weight.
Girl, so glad you left a comment AND made me feel less crazy. Very true about baby #1 vs. #2.
Thanks, lady, for this
Argh, too true. Why is it so hard to be nice to ourselves and so easy to be encouraging to others? I need to remember this approach.
All of the smart stuff has been said already, but let me try this. You probably don't feel absolutely smitten with being a mom 100% of the time, right? There are total crap parts of the job (literally), tantrums are horrible, etc. And we allow ourselves to feel those feelings, right? We know that not liking when the kid grabs a handful of poop and rubs it on the rug doesn't mean we don't 100% love the kid.
So, it's the same with pregnancy. There are parts of it that suck, and there are parts that make you hate being pregnant. But it doesn't mean you don't love the kid. You just don't love the experience right at that moment, and that's absolutely okay.
This is my first visit to your blog and I love how honest you are. My big thing is that I don't think we, as a culture, talk enough about the crappy feelings. And it's unfortunate because if we did, I think we'd have a lot less guilt and anxiety because we'd realize how NOT alone we are. I have a 10 week old and I gained more than I wanted to with her (40 lbs!) and I am now somehow STUCK at 15 lbs heavier than my pre-birth weight even though I have been eating healthier, less (less desserts) and working out. It's insane and ridiculously frustrating. I can't imagine what I would be like if I knew I had another bun in the oven. Like one of your commenters said, the second time around you know what you're in for.
So, I offer you understanding even though I am not in your exact situation. I also offer you an invitation. An invitation to feel like you did with your twins. That you were chosen to carry this third child. This one who doesn't have to share a womb and was sent to you for reasons unbeknown to you. Your body shows that you were chosen. It's now up to you: do you CHOOSE this pregnancy? Because it's chosen you.
And, there's always surgery!
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