A Four-Letter Word
July 17, 2010 9 Comments
I could have sworn. SWORN. That I was carrying boy bits in me.
So when Chris and I opened the envelope containing The Ultrasound Photo that would reveal our third child’s gender, I fully, 100% expected to see only three letters.
Instead . . . Well, you can probably see where I’m going with this.
I won’t deny it. I cried. I cried and cried. I was disappointed. Shocked. I wanted a boy. I felt nothing but boy. I really had my hopes up.
As “insurance,” we had the tech take a photo of the baby’s bits and put it in an envelope for us to open later. We joked that we didn’t want to cry in front of everyone if it was a girl.
And when the tech told us that, in case we would later wonder, he was 100% sure of what he saw, I thought YES!!! It’s definitely a boy because he saw the undeniable.
As the tears streamed uncontrollably down my face when I saw the word “GIRL!!!!” I was simultaneously filled with shame and pain. Yes, I was disappointed. But the idea that overwhelmed me was that I could be at all disappointed in this tiny little baby, this innocent little girl who is completely welcome and wanted and loved.
I thought of my perfect daughters and how much they’ve improved our lives, of how endlessly I love them, of how the last thing I feel in them is disappointment or shame. So I was embarrassed and mad at myself for feeling what I felt.
I know, I know. As a mother, I’m not supposed to feel these things. And even if I do, I’m certainly not supposed to admit them. But the deal is, it’s over. I was disappointed. I’m still kind of in mourning.
But I love my daughter. Like Chris said, the sadness is in the idea that it’s not a boy, not that she is a girl.
So. On the bright side:
- We are experienced parents of girls.
- We don’t have to buy anything new for a while.
- Surely with three girls, we’ll get some grandkids out of them somewhere.
- She’ll have two awesome older sisters who will dress her in silly costumes and carry her around like a baby doll. Or a rag doll. Or a football.
- Who says we’re done, anyhow?
(Okay, that last one was a bit premature. I AM NOT THINKING OF #4.)
I think at this point, I’m mostly dreading the reactions from the general public. I’ve gotten enough negative BS about having twins — I can only imagine the shit we’ll hear about having three girls. “Blah blah blah three prom dresses,” “Yadda yadda three weddings,” “Yap yap yap you’re really in for it.”
Ugh. Like we haven’t already thought of that? Like we can do anything to change it?
“Girl” is not a four-letter word, even when multiplied by three. (Because that would be 12. Right? I took math. YES I PASSED.) There are plenty of four-letter words that aren’t bad — words such as good, luck and love.
Also, ulna.
Here are the rest of the photos of our darling doll of a daughter. We’re pretty happy now that it’s sinking in. Her profile looks a lot like the girls’.
Besides, if she’s half as wonderful as her sisters, we’re set.
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- Our little girl
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- Don’t eff with this one
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- Yes, still just one
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- The arm bone’s connected to….nothing apparently
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- Karate foot!
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- Obligatory creepy face shot
9 comments
I've only been reading your site for a little while, but I'll be honest, I was angry with my second son for the entire second half of my pregnancy for being a boy. I wanted a girl so bad I couldn't stand it! And he was a boy. And I cried and cried. And kinda' mourned it all the way until I saw him. Then I spent about 45 minutes apologizing to him for wishing he was a girl. My first words to him were, "Oh, Joshua, you're so perfectly beautiful! I'm so sorry I've been mad all this time."
Hi… I just stumbled upon your blog. I've got ID twins as well but mine are boys. I've got six children, one daughter & five boys.
By the sounds of your reaction to the gender of your new bub {congrats btw!} you probably don't want to be my new bloggy friend….. BUT I know exactly how you feel…. just in reverse
I wanted {and still want} each & every one of my children… of course I do. BUT I was pretty keen to find out the gender of my fourth child. I was sure it would be a girl.
Say "Hello Hamish!!".
and then the twins. We knew they were identicals… and therefore would be the same sex. At 12 weeks we were told they were boys. I was ok but my husband was "disappointed". Gosh I sound awful & I hope this reads as I mean it……
Don't get me wrong, it goes without saying we are ever so grateful for our children, for their health… and so on. BUT I was wanting daughters. I'm sorry, it's just how I felt. I've read other peoples blogs where they have siad things like "God knew in my heart I was craving a son/daughter and gave me what I wanted". I used to think, man that's so unfair. I wanted a girl somewhere in those five boys and I still got sons. Maybe God doesn't like me much!!!!
Crazy, I know.
The babies are 18 months now and three nights ago I sat with my husband and cried because I'm so overwhelmed with SO many boys.
It's as you say, the endless comments. But mine are just for the opposite sex. I crave the future be different to how I picture it… how mad is that? I want to be close to my sons and their wives….. to be really wanted as a part of their lives. My experience is that daughters stay close to their mums and the sons go off to be closer to their wives family, because she is close to her mum. Does that even make sense??
*Sigh… my boys are great. They keep me BUSY… but I'm just letting you know you aren't the first, and won't be the last to have been hoping, one way or the other.
Baby health & parent well being is obviously the utmost importance…… but we cannot help the way we feel. At least you are brave enough to say so.
and BTW your new baby girl looks gorgeous…..
You'll end up being like the rest of us that have yearned for one sex & gotten the other. You will fall truly, madly, deeply in love and never look back… maybe sometimes, rarely but it's always so utterly wonderful having a child. Good luck to you. I'll follow your story and see where it takes you.
:)
Susan
As I was washing dishes this morning, it hit me that there was no "IT'S A _____" tweet from you, and I got nervous. So, I'm really glad everything is okay in the arms and brains department!
You shouldn't feel bad about wanting a boy. It's totally understandable. I'm already assuming that if we get a baby #2, it will be a girl because, hey, 50/50, and I'm a girl, and my brother is a boy, and that's just the way the world works works. And doubly so for you guys, since you have twice as many girls already (I also passed math). Plus, your body felt different this time, so…yeah. The expectation/desire is completely reasonable.
Also, clothes for boys? Complete let down. Jeans and t-shirts, woo hoo. I'd kill for a dress.
Congratulations on another beautiful daughter to join the clan. Take note, 3 girls you don't get many of the rude comments, its when you go to 4 then 5 of the same gender that people get to be a tad…unwelcome. I am also thinking my 3 youngest now have a chance to date 3 sisters….oh yeah baby…now if you need any help with names, there is 1 you aren't allowed to use I have had dibs on it for YEARS and its still waiting lol
Congratulations….now what are you going to name her….will you at least entertain us and let us THINK we get to name her?
My recent post Friday Fragments The Long Edition
Well, I am surprised. But, I think it's good that you decided to learn during pregnancy. You get the chance to be surprised, cry, mourn, and fall in love all before her birth! A reaction (albeit honest and and perfectly normal) like that in the delivery room would be harder to deal with in my opinion. There is nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. And, you get credit for sharing your honest emotions. You're truthful post will help others realize they are not alone when this situation faces them, too.
And just think of how close all 3 girls are going to be! You are going to have so much love in your home!!
OK, since I have already stated all the negative shit, I need to redeem myself
From the years (yes, I can't believe it's been that long already) that I have read your blog, posts, texts, etc., I know that you will make one heck of a mom of three girls. I have no doubts, even if you do. You make tough choices and sacrifices for your children and you continue to do the best you can to provide for them and somewhere in there try to keep your sanity and take care of yourself. Your girls continue to thrive and grow because you are their mom. Adding another, boy or girl, will not change your devotion to your children, only increase it.
Three girls are going to warm your heart in ways you can never expect. Yes, there may be some drama, but those moments when you are sitting on one of their beds, comforting a heartbroken tween, being there for her, you will know, you were meant to have these girls all along. And yes, I am jealous that I may never get to experience that. Instead, I will probably be an expert at repairing holes in the drywall.
Yay for ANOTHER healthy baby!!! Thats something to be proud of in itself!! And the bright side, no extra clothes to buy!!
SO…. what will the new blog site be called?? Fouragainstone?? Just an idea..
I. freaked. out. completely. when I found out A (Crab) was a girl. Cried hysterically. Dh suggested I pull over so he could drive. I had dreams of triplet boys. So I understand your misery – completely.
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