ControverSunday…er, Wednesday: Discipline
May 19, 2010 11 Comments
I’m really glad this topic came up on this week’s ControverSunday (check out some more chatter on it here) because discipline has been on my mind lately.
The girls are 18 months old now and I definitely see those terrible two’s setting in already. You don’t have to say it. I already know: We’ve only just begun.
Here’s what happens:
- Children are happy.
- Mom and/or Dad take something away. Whether that be the Coolest Toy of the Moment, or a beloved shoe (the girls are obsessed with shoes), or simply their essential happiness and livelihood (you would think), we take something from the child(ren).
- Earth is engulfed by flames from Hell. Angels fall from the sky. Christmas ceases to exist and the Easter Bunny explodes into a million shards of jagged glass. Famine. Pestilence. Disease.
I took a cup away from Althea yesterday. In response, she threw a toy at me. I put her, crying and heaving, in a chair in the dark hall corner for a time out. It was her first real time out.
Elise throws food from her high chair and it annoys me to no end. I used to do time outs with that. Elise would sit in the corner like, “Thank GOD. I’ve been trying to get away from you all day.” So after 87 completely ineffective rounds of this, I started taking away the food completely.
Not that it works.
Then, there are tantrums. It seems that, within a matter of days, their mild, 40-second tantrums have evolved (or devolved?) into ever-more dramatic, three-plus minute meltdowns.
For instance: Bedtime. Never used to be an issue. Now? Ha. Ha.
The other night, Althea lost. her. shit. We plopped her in her crib as usual and good mother of all things holy, she went bananas. Stomping, throwing herself on the mattress, kicking, smacking herself in the head, holding her breath, writhing and flopping about like a fish on deck. Chris and I just watched, wide-eyed and speechless.
I am not a fan of this part of parenting.
Since discipline is now becoming a real thing to deal with, I pretty much have zero idea what I’m doing. On the one hand, I would think that doing some reading might be helpful.
But on the other hand, I think I’ve learned my lesson from reading parenting books: DON’T.
I’ve put some thought into it, and I believe my feelings are these:
- Misbehaving is a child’s job. The parent’s job, in return, is to love and direct the child through these explorations of boundaries.
- Tantrums and bad behavior can be attributed to a variety of things: exhaustion, hunger, need for attention, lack of ability to communicate. There’s also the very real concept that a child doesn’t know what or where the boundaries are; the only way to figure out the rules is to break them.
- Consistency is good. Just because the child doesn’t do what you say doesn’t mean they aren’t listening.
- I don’t agree with some parenting philosophies that allow a child to liberally direct decision making (e.g., unschooling). I think this approach entails, in part, the expectation that a child has the capacity to think like an adult.
- I do believe that we are raising adults, not children. But I don’t believe in inflexibility because childhood is made of beautiful, sparkly fairy dust.
All of this sounds great in a nice list of bullet points, but then there’s the part where a child is beet-faced and screaming and smacking themselves in the skull and then it’s like “Oh snap. People are looking at me. What do I do? Because I’m pretty much just staring and that’s probably not very parent-y.”
So yeah. Basically no direction. Lots of ideas and “feelings” and mushy stuff, but nothing to work with. Chris and I tend to approach things with humor and distraction (admittedly, easier for him than for me). I don’t know if a book would say that’s “good.”
Most likely, we’re causing irreversible psychological damage.
I’m not really looking for advice here. “Input” is more like it. Or a silly story. Yeah, tell me a silly story so I can just shut my eyes and go to my happy place until the girls are 26 so I don’t have to deal with this.
11 comments
You are so right abou the "parenting" books – as a mother who had never babysat or had any siblings I was totally clueless when I got pregnant so I read and read and read and got all this great advice that sounded,well, great; my favorite – letting kids make decisions is empowering and builds self-esteem like choosing their clothes for example – except when you want them to wear something you picked out for pictures or something else special, then it's on. I got all kinds of crazy ideas that actually sounded good but made parenting harder. I wish I had some good input, but the best things I can come up with are be consistent, say it one time and then move on to the consequence, think about what you are saying and follow thru i.e. don't say something you aren't prepared to follow thru.
Hahaaaaahaa. Yeah, I got nothing.
I recently read a little blurb about how a particular kind of monkey gives in their child's tantrum IF other monkeys are around, but not if they're alone. So giving in to the meltdown at Target is only evolutionarily called for!
http://www.sciencenews.org/view/generic/id/41565/…
For us, we're just trying to stay consistent, be firm but unemotional and hope to god they become good, upstanding citizens.
We do give them some choices… fluffy ones. We have several different dinner plates and they get to choose. (woo hoo, right?) They choose the bedtime story. They have certain clothes that are only for pre-school (ones that can get paint on them…) and I do allow them to pick what they wear to school, but on weekends if we are going somewhere I still dictate outfits. One thing Carl's therapies has taught me is to use simple language. Especially when a child is upset. "No. First lunch, then sandbox." And always be consistant. Random payout is when a gambler keeps pumping quarters into that machine because one of these times it is going to spit quarters back at him. Maybe this time! maybe this time! and eventually, it does. If it never did, he'd give up. (not being sexist, just happened to use "he") So, if you give in, they are going to remember that and will continue to push harder and harder waiting for that next random payout.
(last post told me I talked too much and should split into 2 posts)
And one other thing I have learned… with Grandmothers around, you might as well give up. They undermine you and give in to every single whim of the kids. We're currently trying to deprogram Gretchen now after a 13 day visit from my MIL.
And…. they calmed down at 4! Really, they did! (2.5-4 was roughest. Although, I think mine are pretty good – we don't have those meltdown tantrums, thank goodness) Hang in there!!!
I agree. I don't like that part of parenting either. For us, in this moment in time, until she changes her mind, dinnertime is a ridiculous chore with the toddler. She says ' I can't like that ' – about everything. EVERYTHING. We figured out that if her big sister feeds her, she'll eat it, or if we threaten not to let her wash the big red truck with daddy, she'll eat it. The same exact food, a week later, and no arguments, she eats it all. Its not about the food, its about testing her boundaries and control. It took me a month to figure that out. Now, we give her dinner, she eats or not..the end. Sometimes there's red-faced yelling, sometimes not. The best thing i read or heard or whatever, was that its ok to give them choices. Peas or Corn, Blue pants or Black skirt..but not Eat or not eat. Choices that get them to an end result you want. Still difficult until they're old enough to get it, but it seems to work for us most of the time. She must sit with us while we eat, even if she's just yelling about it and not eating. Eventually she gives in. Usually. That's my 'input'. It's neither advice..nor even helpful i'm pretty sure.
i'm right there with you! i have no idea what i'm doing either! and the tantrums have gotten worse this week too!
No help, just a comment. "you can outlast them" See below for it's use.
One day, my 3yr old had 7 (yes 7) time outs during nap. He had his cars taken away (2 to sleep with for nap and bedtime, they are his security blanket). It went on for sooooo long because he wouldn't even stay in bed for more than 5 min. He would come out and say "my nap is over" and I couldn't go in to his room within 2 min of the time out to say "ok, nap is over". I needed him to stay in long enough so I was making the call, not him. At one point I told my hubby I needed help (around time out #4) and he did a few and said "you can outlast him, he's only 3" Ummmm…No I can't! I just wanted to hide and cry.
My daughter will be 18 months next month, so I totally understanding the frusteration of feeling unsure about parenting skills. I feel that my daughter is pretty well behaved. Not to say she doesn't have her meltdowns, because she does. She's pretty typically, doesn't like things taken away from her, doesnt enjoy being told no.. her biggest thing is she is SO impatient when it comes to meal time. I feel like I can never get her food ready fast enough and she cries in her chair until I give her something. She gets to the point where she tries pulling her hair out and I think shes crazy! What (I feel) works best is totally ignoring her. I don't say anything, I dont even look at her. So far this has worked extremely well for us and she usually self calms within a minute or so. I've taken a lot of college psychology and Ive learned that when children have tantrums they are trying to get a response from the parent/caregiver. If you dont buy into their tantrum and ignore them, their need to get your attention isn't getting met and they will (eventually, hopefully..) stop. Thats really the best advice I have as I am still learning as well!
I think you stating parenting at this age quite well…and I agree with what you've said. I struggle with some of the same issues. I totally hate it when G is throwing a fit in public and everyone is staring at me. But now I just assume they are thinking, "I remember those days." The whole first year of her life I was trying to do things textbook style and quickly discovered I was taking the advice too literally as it just wasn't working for us. Now I just go with the flow. It doesn't make parenting and disiplining any easier, but it helps me to stay focused.
BTW I think you are talented writer.
I'm not a believer in time-out. The first one or two times you try it the kid actually sees it as punishment but that quickly goes away. We just make the boys to push-ups
Granted, they are elementary aged but they still get tantrum-y sometimes (the tiredness factor NEVER goes away). So it's either do what you're told or down and give me twenty… Needless to say they have killer biceps and abs. But hey, it works! 
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