The Tankini
May 16, 2010 9 Comments
Money be damned, we recently decided to book a family vacation — just the four of us, as it will be the only and last time we will ever go anywhere as “just the four of us.” We settled on renting a cottage at a relaxing fish camp on the Atlantic. It will be four days of beach, water, sun and hammocks.
And bathing suits.
Last year, I wore this horrific tankini. What, you don’t think it looks that bad? That’s because you don’t see the front of it. It was a last-minute purchase made under duress from Target — which, unless you have the body of a starving tween, is not the place to go bathing suit shopping under any circumstances.
At the time, I chalked it up to it being a mere 8 months post-partum that I had to purchase that thing. I called it The Year of the Tankini. You know, because the next year, I’d have my old body back and I could go back to wearing a sexy little two-piece.
So anyway. For this year’s tankini, I spent $100. This disgusts me. Because have you ever gone tankini shopping? It’s awful. It’s like the bathing suit manufacturers were blindfolded at a Kmart curtain clearance as part of a diabolical Project Runway challenge. You try on eight or nine of these things and you’re ready to throw your life savings at the first person who can hand you a tankini that doesn’t make you feel like your great grandmother vacationing in Boca.
For instance:
Seriously. The model can barely keep herself from laughing, this thing is so ugly.
Note to bathing suit manufacturers: Women who are shopping for tankinis are not buying two-piece bikinis for a reason. We need shape and support for our boobs and magical panels to flatten our bellies and flattering tops to avoid back tacos. Anything involving Hawaiian prints from the 1980s, tight elastic around the legs or ruffles around anything has no place on a tankini.
The suit I got isn’t too bad, all things considered. Aside from the fact that Chris said I looked like a shower curtain in it. And aside from the fact that the bottoms actually come up past what used to be my belly button and are about as comfortable as those scratchy underwear your grandma used to buy you from Pic N Save.
Oh yeah, and since I’ve apparently forgotten, I’m freaking pregnant. So by the time we go to the Awesome Fish Camp Vacation Cottage, I’ll have a baby bump with twin skin hanging off of it AND a diaper-esque tankini to really show it all off.
Yep, it’s Year Two of the Tankini and I’m embracing it with vigor.
Somebody. Help. Me.
P.S. Any unintentional insult to grandmas and great grandmas anywhere in this post is completely the fault of tankini makers.
9 comments
At least you have the guts to shop for a new tankini. I admit to wearing the same ones from my first pg, and that child is about to turn 4. They aren't pretty. Kohl's special that year. Shower curtain? Not mine. One looks more like leftover plastic from making a kiddie pool. Heck, it probably is a recylced peed in kiddie pool The size is about right. My basic black no longer holds up the boobs.
Interesting note: Skinz makes a top that is the only bikini top that fit my pg monster boobs. But, there was no way the pg ass could sport the matching thong. I did wear the top at the beach while pg one day I was feeling good about myself (with the diaper bottoms that came with a tankini, of course.)
You crack me up! I totally understand, tankini shopping is evil. We are planning our vacation and yes, I too need a bathing suit. Last year at this time I was GIANT prego with my twins & nothing could cover my belly, but like it mattered I coulfd go out in the heat without out swelling in to a ballon:) I would like something that is actually cute. I had given up all hope until a friend of my posted a link to a website, where she was going to get her's! Here the link (even though you already got a bathing suit)http://www.downeastbasics.com/swim.aspx I LOVE the Sunset Swim Dress…the word dress I'm not sure about:) but I like my top to be at about my hips! Anyway I am there with you!! Thanks for posting this, it's nice to know other people think the same way I do:) Visit me @ alittlesugar-n-spice.blogspot.com…I found you through FB twin mag fan page!B
I actually bought a tankini this season! And, I have to be at LEAST twice your size! I found it at Lands End and was first drawn to it because it was solid colors. Because, for some reason, bathing suit makers feel that anyone needing a size 20 or above wants big ass flowers and bright flashy colors. Yeah, I want more attention drawn to me – that's it! Since I buy a new suit about every 8 years, I have to keep this one in good condition so I can stay out of dressing rooms!!
The family of 4 vacation sounds perfect!!
Jill, how do you like it? I was contemplating a Land's End suit as well. They seem to have decent styles and nice cuts.
I needed to pull up an old post that was on Crissy's blog…she recently did a thing on swimsuits http://www.popinaswimwear.com/one-piece-bathing-s…
The link for where she recently bought one.
It actually fits pretty well. The bottoms advertised a higher waistline – which works better for the twin-skin leftover belly. The top is long enough to stay closed – or if I really need to – tuck it in. I also found a one piece suit on their clearance section that is navy blue and hunter green without a splashy pattern. I was shocked to order 2 suits and keep them both! I figured I’d return at least one. We swim at the YWCA with the kids, so the chlorine is insane. I figured 2 suits would last longer. I do machine wash them even though it said not to.
But, I’ve had LE suits in the past and they hold up very well. You can usually get good deals off the clearance section, too. Might be too far into swimming season already to get a lot of good things on there, though. Winter is better for sale suit shopping.
Are you wearing your tankini in your BZ avatar? So cute! Ok attempting to comment fx this works lol
Meep, and GL with the new one.
Small nitpick: Target IS okay for bathing suits if you're not starving–but being well-proportioned MAY be necessary! (I'm a size 12 non-mom with good curves & have had success with several XL Mossimo suits there.)
My SIL got a super cute 50's inspired tankini from Target – so yeah. There are some goodies there now and then.
That said, my hubs always tells me "You're a mom now. Embrace it." whenever I complain about my 'mom hair' or my mom bathing suits or driving a minivan (which is just around the corner). So that's nice.
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