Open Letter to the Bitch at the Outlet Mall
May 12, 2010 7 Comments
Dear Bitch at the Outlet Mall,
Yesterday, when you and your mouth-breathing husband approached me and my twins at the outlet mall, I prepared myself for the onslaught of dim-witted questions that people like you usually ask:
“Are they twins? I’m a twin/my neighbor’s a twin/my husband’s cousin is a twin/my dogs are twins.”
“How old are they?”
“What are their names?”
“Are they identical? Really? Well, they don’t look it.”
You, in all your out-of-state largeness, managed to ask exactly all of those questions. And I managed to smile my way through them because I’ve developed a touch of patience and a lovely sense of humor toward folks like you.
But then, dear woman, you just had to show that you’re not like everyone else, didn’t you?
“Well, thank god it’s not me. I feel sorry for you.”
Sigh.
I’m not sure what hayloft in Omaha you were conceived in (no offense to my intelligent and awesome Nebraskan readers), but out here in Florida we don’t say things like that.
Out here, we say things like, “Well bless your heart!” Which basically translates into the same thing, but it sounds a lot nicer than “You and your shitty kids deserve each other.”
It’s a good thing you were significantly larger than me. Otherwise, it would have been my fist hitting your face, and your face hitting the floor, and my comparatively scrawny ass collecting my stroller and running for my life because holy shit, your husband looked like he ate fried bologna balls for breakfast and I’m pretty sure he would’ve come after me if I’d actually punched you in the face.
I hope you enjoyed the rest of your shopping experience at the Dress Barn and Giant Underwear Outlet. May your husband frequently forget to put the toilet seat down, you mindless potato head of a woman.
7 comments
Wow……..wow………Sorry.
LMAO you just made my day!!!!!!! Love love love reading your blog!!!
Ha Ha!! I just love your posts! But, honestly – I cannot believe this is the first you ever heard that! Or the "better you than me" or "I'd kill myself!" Well, next time you can be prepared with a quick, "Actually, I feel sorry for you. I have so much love in my life you don't need to pity me. Too bad you'll never understand." It does slow down once you get out of the double stroller. Maybe it won't as quickly for you with both girls, though. Now, Carl is a good 4" taller and 8 lbs heavier than Gretchen and people actually are often surprised to hear they are twins. Being in FL, you must already know that elderly people give hte best soul warming comments. "You're blessed" or "you're lucky" or "they are lucky to have you" stuff goes a long way for negating the crazies and their comments.
Giant Underwear Outlet, eh?
Well, but if she is sized Extra Large, you'll have to wish her some other kind of ill will, because her butt most likely will not hit the water.
I'm really sorry that happened to you guys. We get our own version of this (comments on E's very red hair), and while everyone thinks they are SO FUNNY, and SO ORIGINAL, it's like, dude, I hear the same five comments about my kid every day. Get out of my face.
Ha! I got a great one recently. So, Arlo is a small for his age. There ain't no way of getting around that. A waitress asked me how old he was, and I was prepared for the usual, "Wow! Really?" I was not, however, prepared for how she said goodbye to us after dinner, "Have a nice night. I hope your son grows soon!" Fuck you bitch.
Oye. You do meet some interesting peeps Idoia, interesting indeed.
WOW. Sad and hilarious. Clearly she belonged at a Walmart.
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