Learning Begins at Home

Organized playgroups, preschool at two years old, flashcards, Hooked on Phonics, Baby Can Read . . . Modern parents do a lot of things to stimulate their child’s intelligence. God forbid we let the child be bored or unproductive for a single second of their childhood.

Well, you know what I say? I say learning begins at home, that’s what I say. It’s the simple things that a mother and/or father do on a daily basis that teach their kids how to discover their strengths and get along in the world.

So, even though I “just stay home” with my girls, I don’t ”interact well with productive citizens” and I frequently “make an ass of myself;” and although Chris can be “inappropriately humorous” and “a bit flighty,” if not “completely disconnected from reality;” we still do plenty of intelligence-boosting activities to help fire up those neurological synapses. Or whatever.

Sample curriculum, you ask? You got it.

Introduction to Hygiene and Self Care
Current grade: A
Notice the profound excavation into the nasal cavity with the single digit of the right hand, the slightly up-tilted eyes and firmly closed mouth. Clearly an advanced technique, surprising to witness in such a young subject.

Clothing Design for the Diaper
Current grade: D
Elise and Althea have made no progress in this class in the past 17 months. Despite continued efforts to train and instruct on the crucial skills needed for diaper-covering clothing, the children continue to defy design standards by exposing their size-four Huggies.

Photography: The Art of the Self-Portrait
Current grade: C
Only one of the four subjects is even pictured in near-entirety. The others show 3/4 of a face, a mis-aligned profile and a pair of feet in the background. Were it not for an inept instructor, the children might stand a chance at passing this course.

Bad Ass-ness: Theory and Praxis
Current grade: A+
From the windswept hair to the cooly askance sunglasses, Elise shows a natural aptitude for bad ass-ness.

Woodworking 102: Gifts of Sticks
Current grade: B+
Both children show incredible aptitude in stick-gift giving. They should now concentrate on mulch, branches and other wood materials to diversify their talents.

Practical Home Improvements
Current grade: B-
Excellent spectatorship, though actual participation lacks something to be desired.