Wean Me, Seymour
March 11, 2010 20 Comments
(Awful post title, I know. It was either that or “To Wean or not to Wean,” and that would’ve just been lazy.)
Today I had a doctor’s appointment. Doctor D happens to be the girls’ pediatrician, so he was familiar with our situation.
He saw that I was on Zoloft for depression and asked how it was working.
The truth is, it isn’t. It’s definitely taken the edge off. I don’t feel like driving myself into the Grand Canyon. Usually. But I don’t feel good. Hell, I don’t even necessarily feel stable. I still have many of my previous symptoms: self-loathing, depression, despair, guilt, difficulty sleeping, anxiety, rage.
Before getting pregnant, I was taking Lamictal, a drug used for bipolar disorders, which is what my psychiatrist had diagnosed. Lamictal worked wonders for me, much more than any antidepressant ever did.
Unfortunately, Lamictal is a no-no for pregnant and nursing moms (depending on what you read). Doctor D’s literature said it’s straight-up unsafe for nursing mothers.
To get to the point, Doctor D recommended weaning so that I could get on a drug that actually works for me.
And that’s my dilemma.
I’m not eager to wean. I’m not looking to nurse until the girls are four, but I’m in no rush to wean either. I feel like….well shit, I’ve made it 16 months. What’s another eight? Make it an even two years. Their immune system still benefits, right?
On the other hand, Doctor D has a point. I’ve given my kids nutritional and immunological benefits that the vast majority of kids don’t get. It’s time to take care of myself, because the disorder I’m dealing with is not something to mess with.
When it comes down to it, if mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy. And the fact is that I’m not whole. I’m not who I could be.
It’s not about a mother’s little helper. It’s not about chasing an image of the ideal. As I’ve chronicled previously, I just have something ‘broken’ in my brain and, like anyone else with a medical issue who benefits from medication, I am a much more functional human when I’m being treated with therapeutic drugs.
I just can’t seem to embrace the idea of purposely or forcefully weaning my children so that I can pop a couple of pills to feel happy. It’s just not an even trade-off in my mind.
But I don’t know if feeling that way is a legitimate concern, or martyrdom and self-castigation.
The other voice in my head says “Yo. Forget anything you’ve heard or read. You aren’t doing well. Your girls and husband need you. You’re not a failure if you don’t nurse for two years. Wait….. two years!?? Are we seriously having this conversation? Because if we are, then you really do need to go back on the meds.”
I don’t know if I’m venting or looking for advice or what. But if you have any insight, I’d love to hear it, even if it’s just an “Aw man, that sucks.”
Because aw man, this sucks.
20 comments
I only nursed my youngest son (out of 4) and nursed him exclusively for 22 months…never having 1 bottle. You nursed for 16 months…and twins at that…which is way longer them most mom do so you should be proud of that! Will a couple of more months even make a difference? Probably not…besides in the long run you will be happier and be able to focus more which will have way more benefits to the girls then nursing them a couple of more months. Do what makes you happy because they too will Good luck to you!!
I think the best way to approach it is to figure out what would be best for the girls (which is probably the only way to get through this without feeling guilty). Would they benefit more from a few more months of breastfeeding, or from a parent whose mental health is the best it can be? Think of it this way: if you had crippling migraines and couldn't get out of bed to take care of them unless you had the necessary meds, you probably wouldn't think twice about stopping breastfeeding so you could feel better. You can't think of your depression, etc. as something you should be able to fix on your own, because it's not that simple.
And, aw man, this does suck. I'm sorry you're stuck having to make this choice.
I feel like I shouldn't say anything at all because I only breastfed each kid for 9 months. I considered that an eternity, so you're incredible as far as I'm concerned. It sounds like it might be time to wean and really take care of yourself, which in turn means you can really take care of them. Could you maybe do it slowly over the next 2-3 months, vs a quick wean if that would make you feel better? I think they're soon to have more important things to do than breastfeed also – like eat dirt and trash your pots and pans and cause general mayhem like toddlers do. So once you do it, it'll most likely be a non-issue. I'm really sorry, this does suck, but I'm also incredible impressed with your clarity of mind to get help, ask for help and admit you have this issue. I wish others I knew with this issue could do the same.
Oh man that does suck! I have 4 sons and only nursed my youngest…..for 22 months. So far you have breastfeed for 16 months..and twins at that! That is wayyyyyyyyyyy longer then most and you should be so proud of that! Will a couple of more months even make a difference…probably not. Do what's best for you because if your not feeling right then nursing them for a couple of more months isn't fair for all of you….you'll be able to focus more and be in a much happier place! My husband is bipolar and has been on lithium for 17 years and it works wonders! Good luck to you!
Chances are, they'll be self-weaning any time now anyway. I know that doesn't help much though, because Moose is starting to show majorly waning interested in all but our morning feedings and that is making me MAJORLY INCREDIBLY SAD.
But I do think the best thing you can do for your kids is to take care of yourself. Truly.
Speaking from my own experience, I regret not weaning sooner and going on an effective method of medication. I missed a lot of my daughter's first year because of it, before she weaned herself. But I'm not advising you to do the same.
From my point of view, you've breastfed for longer than a lot of North American moms. You've fulfilled a 'natural duty' of providing immunological support and bonding, and, well…it might be coming at a cost to yourself. And being ill (I'm bipolar, too, so I have some awareness of the difficulties) makes it harder to be a best mama you can be to your girls. And yourself.
Just my two cents. Good luck.
Agree with Maria, the best BEST thing you can do for your kids is take care of yourself.
It sucks to have to wean if you're not ready; I've been ambivalent about weaning my 16 month old (my 3rd kiddo) but just finally did it and all is well here. That's not to say I didn't cry a few tears in the process.
I try to remind myself that in the loooong scheme of my kid's life, this is a tiny one. They'll remember more of you being happy then they will of you nursing them for longer than 16 months (even though I do plan on reminding them of such when they are older and give me one heck of hard time as teenagers).
Kudos to making it this long.
I had to make a choice when my daughter was born. Nurse her or live to see her graduate high school (at a minimum). It hurt like hell, but I chose medication and getting myself better so I could be here for her as she grows up. Not to mention that fighting on effective treatment would potentially deny my older child of my presence, too, and he certainly didn't sign up for that.
What about a compromise…..you can pump yourself silly, day and night, around the clock…….get yourself a stockpile of frozen mom juice. Do it for the next four months………..then give them your milk in a cup until you run out………….Not very logical, but maybe this will lead to another idea….brainstorming yo!
You are an amazing mother with whatever decision you make. It's true, not many kids get mom's milk for even six months, let alone a year, and over that….it's hard to find anyone who nursed that long.
I know what it feels like to be depressed. Four months ago I was there and I was NOT being a good mother. We were co-sleeping with my nine month old who was waking every 3 hours at night to nurse *because* we were co-sleeping and it was all in her face and I was literally getting no sleep because of the breastfeeding all hours of the night and I couldn't get comfortable in bed because if I even thought about moving she would wake up. So I let her cry it out and ta-da! She has been sleeping through the night, in her bed, ever since. I thankfully didn't need any medication after that (and I'm not saying that it's bad that you do – if you need the help, GET IT), sleep was all I needed. And I have become a much better mother since then. Really, I can tell a huge difference. I am more patient with her, I spend more quality time playing with her each day and I am just so much happier.
I am a huge supporter for breastfeeding, but if I were in your shoes right now I would feel ok about weaning. It's been 16 months. Most babies don't even get breastmilk for 16 days. Or even 16 hours. So be proud of how far you've gotten with it and don't feel bad or guilty if you need to stop. You babies need you to be there for them more than they need eight more months of breastmilk, in my opinion. I don't know how bad your depression is but depression is depression. Just know that it is ok to stop.
I think everyone has said some very great things and I agree that you need to focus on your mental health so you can truely enjoy your little girls. I wanted to give you props for being open about your mental health issues because I know that it can be difficult for people to talk to, even though man, it sucks!
"You babies need you to be there for them more than they need eight more months of breastmilk"
Okay, this got me. I hadn't thought about it this way, and you're right. Thank you
LOL! The thought of pumping alone makes me want to stop
You're so awesome and supportive. Thank you.
HA! I could've written this myself. Which means you're awesome.
Thank you thank you for this.
"Only" 9 months?? Puh-leeze! That's awesome!
Abrupt weaning definitely won't be good. I think you've got a good idea there. Maybe I could be busy once in a while during feedings and just increase the number of "missed" feedings over time. Hmmm….
I know, I know! It's just so hard to accept emotionally! Thanks for the input
Yes indeed, this sucks for you. It's like you are being asked to choose one path or the other on the route to Good Motherhood, but one of them feels more selfish than the other.
I have to say I agree with Megan, since your daughters will be fine once weaned, and your mental state is really important to your daughters' mental and emotional health and to the health of your marriage. Please don't feel guilty for making such a decision. The longest that mine nursed was 13 months (first child) and 9 months (second). You've done a great job. Seriously.
Ugh, I completely understand why you would be struggling with this. But I agree with all the wise mamas above who said that you need to take care of yourself first and foremost, and THAT will be the path toward taking care of your girls. Unfortunately, we can't give our children 100% perfection all the time. We're always making trade-offs and compromises, because that's how life works. This is just an especially difficult trade-off because it's so emotionally fraught: nursing your babies versus feeling sane — sheesh, that's rough! But if you decide to wean I truly believe it will be because that's what's best for ALL of you. And no matter what, like everybody has said, you are a twin mom role model and rock star for nursing so long as it is! Anyone who reads this blog knows what a great mom you are. Sending you hugs for making this tough decision, and for saying goodbye to nursing if that's what you decide….
I'm at month 4 of breastfeeding my first baby and if the Zoloft weren't working for me I would be in a real pickle trying to decide what to do. Maybe weaning is like a lot of other parenting things where it's much harder on the parent than the child. Your kids will be fine and they need you to be happy. Good luck!
Your dilemma couldn't be more aptly timed, and similar to mine! I've also been struggling to accept a diagnosis of bipolar/mood disorder due to a long road of self-exploration – WHAM – right after I had my second, sweet little man…I was determined to nurse him as long as my first…a little over two years…but now reading your post, and the responses, I realize I may be jeopardizing his mental health WAY more by not attempting to get medical help…it's hard, though, because I'm a high-functioning person and have a hard time accepting that I have inherited bipolar/cyclothymia or a mood disorder from my father…but highly likely. Just worried I'll wean to try Lamictal, and then won't see any results, and then will have lost that time with my last one forever…do you worry about that part? I was on Zoloft, but felt exactly like you, and was only on a sub-clinical dose…just knew something wasn't right, but I wasn't ruminating over every faulty thing in my life, and had patience to sit with my older child and play! Hoping Lamictal will be the answer…THANK YOU SO MUCH for your openness so we can all benefit!
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