Something Beyond Pepto

When your entire family, including twin 15 month olds who have never thrown up in their lives, spends a few days ejecting every last droplet of food, moisture and intestinal lining out of both ends of their bodies, you have to find some humor in that. There’s always a silver lining, that’s what I say.

Such as:

• I saw a number on the scale that I haven’t seen since I first got pregnant.
• I didn’t have to cook dinner for three whole days.
• My legs are hairy and no one has noticed.
• Puking one’s guts out gives one every excuse in the world to not bathe, thereby saving water and electricity. I’m out to save the planet one intestinal catastrophe at a time.
• The toilets have been scrubbed. Twice. Okay, once.
• We now have a decent backstock of Pedialyte.
• In the past three days, I have washed every towel, sheet and article of clothing we own. Nothing like a good bout of dysentery to get the spring cleaning going.

Sure, there were some down sides:

• Losing seven pounds in two days has given me a decent idea of what my boobs will look like when I stop nursing — and it ain’t pretty.
• It’s going to take days to clear out the DVR.
• Unless you enjoy the hauntingly pungent odor of a morgue, do not use lavender and chamomile air freshener to mask the smell of vomit and diarrhea.

We made it, though. We made it without the expense of emergency room trips or doctor visits or prescription drugs.

In fact, the only thing we owe is our undying gratitude — to my in-laws, who endured being puked and shit on by the girls repeatedly and into the wee hours of the night so that Chris and I could repeatedly puke and shit all over ourselves; who brought us Gatorade (which we promptly puked up); who did laundry (which we promptly puked on); and who are now paying the price for all that unconditional love with their very own digestive battle.

Thanks, guys.