Mmmm, Zoloft
I saw the therapist on Wednesday. I chose her because 1) she was on my insurance list; 2) she was a woman; 3) she was about three minutes from the house. All completely awesome reasons to select a therapist.
Her office was full of kid toys and kid books and teen magazines. Paintings of happy children playing with teddy bears. Bean bags. Her business cards were cartoon drawings of children playing with giant blocks.
The charlatan was a damned specialist in child psychology and didn’t have the courtesy to mention this to me on the phone. She must have been trying to diversify her clientele.
I described my feelings, my history of depression, my life experiences. I told her that I have that empty feeling in the middle of my chest, like someone’s ripped my heart out of my rib cage (which, for me, is the first sign of an impending depressive state). I told her that I spend time curled up on the couch, staring at the wall. I cry a lot. I’m all alone. That the smallest tasks are monumental for me.
With her sparkly purple toenails tucked up under her like an impish teen, she smiled, “Maybe you could pack up the kids in a stroller and just walk down the street?”
Lady. I am almost freaking incapacitated. Don’t you think that’s occurred to me? I’m telling you that it is too much for me.
Anyhow. Nice enough lady, but not for me. I need someone hardcore. Someone with a bowtie or toupee or support hose. Someone who won’t give me advice from the March 1993 issue of Cosmo.
I got a script for Zoloft through my OB and I have an appointment to see a real shrink (psychiatrist) in two weeks. The Zoloft is a mild dose and I’m starting with half a pill, twice a day, which I have timed so that the medication is supposedly peaking when the girls aren’t nursing.
The meds make my face and teeth feel like there’s a tiny vibrator running out of batteries somewhere in the middle of my brain. At least I get to feel dizzy while I wait for it to kick in.
I wanted to thank everyone who’s come out of the woodwork (mostly via Twitter and Mommy Melee’s post pimping) to offer their stories and support. Why do all the cool people live on the Internet instead of next door?
9 comments
Hey friend!
I don’t have any infinite words of wisdom for you, sadly, but I do have commiseration. I was eyeball deep in depression when I got pregnant last November, and it’s really been rocking my world, especially since I don’t have any family nearby to help out and really don’t have much in the way of friends either. It’s definitely a day to day struggle. I was on Zoloft as well and I haven’t began taking it again since I had the baby, but it sits on the cupboard shelf taunting me every day. I just keep hoping maybe some day soon I’ll find the answers.
So, all that to say that I feel ya, sister. Hit me up if you ever want to just yell, scream or cry at someone.
Whoa, teeth-buzzing.
Do you feel like it’s helping?
And dude? I would have punched that lady for the walk suggestion.
i am thinking of you constantly…
I understand where you’re at and if you ever need someone to chat with, I’m around. I spent most of college clawing myself (yeah, literally) trying to figure out why i was so damn miserable all the time, went on meds for a bit but I’m starting to eek out stability, slowly. Very slowly. It’s a devastating experience –especially since there’s no “cause” for it usually, so most people have no idea how to help. You are a strong-ass woman, you just can’t lose sight of that. *hugs*
Mmmm…Zoloft, I agree! I’m on Zoloft too and just want to let you know that you are not alone. Give it some time…when it kicks in, you will notice a subtle difference, but a difference none-the-less! Hope this is a step in the right direction for you! (((HUGS)))
Dude, I love your honesty. And you’re right, all the cool people ARE on the internet and not next door. Go internet!
I wrote a post on postpartum depression:
http://www.pajamasandcoffee.com/?p=607
and I was shaking when I wrote it- but God, does it feel good to get it out, or what?!
Hang in there, we’re all here!
xoxo
Wow, she actually said that? A medical professional who should know-the-hell-better said the equivalent of “snap out of it?” Have you considered the possibility that her office was actually a dimensional gateway, and you visited a psychologist from 1952? Yeesh. I hope you find someone better soon (and big ups to you for pursuing a new doctor and not letting this experience shut you down).
Do you feel that the zoloft is helping? I was on zoloft for a long time and it really helped me. I had a lot of anxiety and depression and what a difference it was when I was on zoloft. At one point (before the meds) I wanted to just drive into a pole and die. I never did because I didn’t want to leave my kids without a mommie. Thats when I really knew I needed help. I hope the zoloft will/continue to work for you. You are very strong for admitting you have depression. I love your honesty. A lot of people have the same problem but are afraid to do anything about it. I’m glad you are.
How are you doing this, Please? I am going down the same road while nursing twin (boys). How are you spacing it, so that the medicine is not peaking while they are nursing?
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