I’m having a tough time, guys.
I’m stressed, sad and tired. The latest events with our cats is wearing on me. Kramer developed a fever and I took him in to the vet. The way he has his jaw wired in place makes him drool and backwash everywhere, including into his food bowl. He drips and sprays slobbery cat food EVERYWHERE, including the walls, my hair and all over the floor. I spend a good portion of the day cleaning up fish stink and shielding myself from flying cat food.
I feed him meds through a tube in his neck. I’m pretty sure he’s blind in his right eye. The vets have all assured us we did the right thing, his quality of life will be great. They assure us. And the bills pile up. And the guilt, the guilt, the guilt of what I’ve done . . .
I picked up Vincent’s ashes. I sobbed like a child. Seeing his urn meant he was really dead. Really, really dead. Killed. We miss you, man.
(I felt a very strange and very unmistakable presence in the house today. Twice. Like someone walking by, behind me. Definitely a person. Kramer started meowing like Vincent. I wasn’t even drunk.)
We missed a mortgage payment and we’ll never make it up. We just won’t. We’ve never been late on a payment. I have perfect credit. Not so much anymore. Talking to the bank today didn’t help.
We still plan to buy a better camera and somehow, I only feel slightly guilty.
I’ve barely left the house in almost two weeks. I’m so tired that I don’t want to deal with anyone. I have a million things to do around the house and zero motivation or money to do them.
I’ve only exercised a couple of times in two weeks and I’m terrified to step on the scale. I just wanted to lose six lousy pounds by August and I can’t even do that.
I spent a good five hours in the kitchen today, cleaning and cooking and cooking and cleaning. Dishes. Making baby food. Cleaning cat food syringes. Cleaning stinky cat food bowls. Dishes. Cleaning up cat slobber. Spilling an entire can of Coke. Entertaining babies. Feeding. Cooking. Feeding.
Now that I’m staying home with the girls, I’ll never be able to go back to work. Being a SAHM is not legitimate. You don’t get a line for that on your resume. Just because it’s a 24/7 job, constantly on, never rest, only work work work. At this point, I couldn’t act smart enough to get a job anyway.
I wonder if my years-long battle with depression is finally creeping back after my pregnancy euphoria. Dammit. My old shrink doesn’t take our new insurance.
Not that I’ve checked.
I have bags under my eyes. The bags have bags. I feel like shit. I’m lonely. I’m a failure. I want to hide.
I need, need, need. I need help.
I have begun way too many sentences with “I” in this post. <–Stated with complete self-awareness.
Lesson of the evening: Don’t blog and bitch. Because man, that publish button is a bitch . . .
*HUGS* to you. I haven’t yet commented on your blog but read it all the time. You have got the cutest twins and I love your sense of humor. While I am not a mom of twins I am a new mom to an 8 week old boy as well as girls that are 6 1/2 and 4 1/2. I can totally relate to feeling depressed. I can tell you what things worked for me during my 7 week maternity leave that maybe you can try. Money is tight for us as well fyi. Walks outside are great to get fresh air, do you have any mommy groups around you or play groups?, relatives or friends nearby that could watch the girls so you could get some much needed rest?, do you scrapbook?, journaling your feelings. I know how it feels to have your house be a disaster with dishes everywhere and laundry piling up and like there aren’t enough hours in the day to get everything done. I know you left your job to be a SAHM and that has to be really tough with only one income. Hope these ideas help and feel free to email me if you want some more ideas. I’d like to help if I can. A huge thing you have going for you is your sense of humor. You just crack me up. You will get through this and in the meantime you have some seriously CUTE kids:)
fuck. i’m sorry. life just fucking sucks sometimes.
on the upside, you’re awesome. so you got that goin for ya, which is nice.
i’m so sorry you’re having such a hard time right now. although you may not believe it now, caring for those little ladies gets easier every day. when my girls were 6-7 months old life just clicked for us. i hope it does the same for you.
I’m so sorry to read this. No one could dispute that you are going through a rough patch. I have been reading your blog for a couple of months, since I found out I am pregnant with twins (you and I exchanged emails at that time). When I read last week’s posts, my heart really broke for you. I wish I lived nearby so that I could do something to help you out.
Try to keep in mind that this IS a rough patch–it’s not normal life by any means. It will pass, really it will. You just need to keep your head up for a few really crappy days, weeks, or maybe even months, and then the tide will turn again. Try to focus on one day at a time, and don’t let yourself fall into the trap of thinking that your whole future has dimmed.
Hope you don’t mind my unsolicited 2 cents.
In case it cheers you at all, I want to say again how much I love your blog. I am not usually a blog-watcher by any means, but I get so much out of reading your old pregnancy posts (I’m 26 weeks now myself) and also love reading the new updates on how you and your family are doing. Your girls are ADORABLE. (I’m having two girls myself!)
You are a fantastic mom and wife and this will all work out in the end. Hang in there!
I know this is of limited use coming from a near- stranger, but please feel free to email me if it cheers you up or you want to vent further.
Seriously? Just think how life would be if you had triplets instead. Ugh! OK, now what can I do to help you? You want more stories of my son peeing on the carpet right before I am about to walk out the door for work? Or would you prefer to hear me tell you about how I stepped in cat puke when I went to the dryer last week? What about the unmentionable disgusting “waterbug” that crawled across the floor 2 nights ago? What about falling on my ass and then into the pool right before the painter arrived? Oh wait, you already heard that one. My ass still hurst, and I now have a chiropractor touch it every chance I get.
You know that even though the choices you are making may not be what you want. they don’t please you, bring joy, or stuff like that. However, the choices you are making ARE what is best for the girls which makes you the most awesome mom in the world. So many out there would not make the sacrifices you have.
As for the “I couldn’t act smart enough to get a job anyway”, my hubby stayed home for 2 yrs with our first. His brain did return. Although, he is still handicapped by the whole y-chromosome thing.
You can bitch to me anytime!
Please bitch! I can relate to every single thing you said in this post (well except that cat thing, but I’ve been there too). I have expereinced everything you are describing. Don’t feel bad about complaining! You have my email if you want to talk about anything! I am mostly feelin’ ya on the depression thing. I wish I could talk to my old shrink too, but he’s in Florida. . .
Seriously, I am sooo blessed, why can I not just be super happy?!