I’m Freaking Out About My Boobs

I’m not worried about the fact that my right breast is approximately one cup size larger than my left.

Nor am I freaking out about my nipples still looking like something out of “National Geographic.”

I am freaking out about my supply. As in, breastmilk supply.

I’ve had many moments of doubt and fear throughout my time breastfeeding. I mean, I’m breastfeeding twins. When I told people I planned to breastfeed my twins, everyone all but laughed and told me that you can’t. You can’t breastfeed twins. But I’ve known people that have, and I’m doing it, so . . . 

So. Now I see where the doubt creeps in.

You see, about three weeks ago I decided to start taking the mini pill. First, you must know that I hate the pill. Hate it. I swore to myself I’d NEVER go back on hormonal birth control ever ever ever again. But the diaphragm has been causing, um, issues. I believe I may have a bit of a latex/rubber sensitivity. That’s all I’ll say about that. So I needed something else, and the mini pill was my best option.

The first week, I broke out ALL OVER  my face and pretty much felt like a pubescent 13 year old all over again. By week two, I was picking fights, including arguments over text message, with my husband for no good reason. I was angry with random things like dust and wind and forks. Basically, that little dose of hormones was turning me into a raving lunatic. I started to doubt my decision about this whole “pill thing.”

Then, during this third week, I noticed the worst side effect of all: My breastmilk supply dwindled.

I’m freaking the fuck out about it. To boost my supply, over the past few days I have done the following:

• started taking Fenugreek, three pills, three times a day
• drinking Mother’s Milk tea two to three times a day
• been eating lactation cookies, four per day
• added a pumping session in the morning
• forced an extra nursing session 
• cut caffeine to just one diet Coke instead of three

Tonight sent me over the edge. The girls nursed for less than a minute for their bedtime feeding before my milk ran out. 

I’m devastated.

This fucking stupid pill and that stupid round of antibiotics for a goddamned rotten tooth that STILL isn’t fixed (another story entirely — yes, there’s more) is fucking up almost seven months worth of hard work and dedication. 

FUCK.

If I can get my shit together early enough, I plan to attend a La Leche League meeting tomorrow morning (from 10 a.m. – 12 p.m. Seriously, two hours? With babies?)

Oh Boobs, please don’t fail me now.