I Seriously Need to Step Away from the Kitchen and Stop Pretending I Can Cook
May 28, 2009 4 Comments
This post hurts to write because if there’s something that’s a testament to a woman’s womanliness, it’s her ability to cook.
I really like to cook. Correction: I really like to think I can cook. Much of my 20′s was spent watching hour after hour of the Food Network. (Holy shit, a channel where all they do is cook all day long? God bless America.)
Just recently, I rediscovered the wonder of the Food Network. Did you know they have a hi def channel? I watch it a lot.
Anyway, I get it. Via osmosis, I’ve learned how the different seasonings harmonize, how to pan fry meats, how to cook once and eat twice, etc.
So far, I’ve tried:
- Buttermilk Pecan Chicken – This was just a bad idea, in retrospect. However, marinating chicken breast in buttermilk is really the only way to go.
- Blue Cheese Stuffed Fillets – Not horrible, but the butter blob you stuff into the meat just kind of disappears into the ether
- One Pot Chicken Over Cheesy Rice – Tasteless is the best I can describe it. That, and gross. Also, what’s up with Emeril’s mug shot? Creepy.
- Black Bean Salad – This would have come out awesome had I realized that the canned corn was already salted. The end product came out tasting like I’d taken a big lick of Guy Fieri’s sweaty forehead. (I love you, Guy.)
Tonight, I came dangerously close to crying because the goddamned pecan-and-panko breading for the chicken breasts ONCE AGAIN stuck to the stupid frying pan. WHY CAN’T I GET THE BREADING TO STICK TO THE CHICKEN.
Considering I usually follow the recipe as stated, is it possible that every single recipe I’ve tried just happens to suck? Maybe it’s my pots and pans. Maybe it’s my electric stove. Maybe it’s my oven that smokes when I turn it on because I really need to clean it.
It’s me, isn’t it?
I honestly don’t understand what fails in the translation between the recipe on paper and the horrible execution of the cooking process. It’s remarkable. I mean, the food is edible (tonight’s semi-raw chicken breasts notwithstanding). But the flavor sucks.
In the end, I really just feel bad for my husband. He knows better than to say anything because, at this point, he’s just trying to avoid rickets and scurvy.
4 comments
Cooking is all about confidence and good ingredients. A failure (don’t ask my husband about some faux fried catfish or stuffed bell peppers) is only a lesson learned.
If you are having problems with sticking, check your temp. Are you using medium high? Do you preheat your skillet?
Now cake decorating… that will cause me to collapse in the middle of the kitchen sobbing.
I hope that’s not true, about cooking being testament to a woman’s womanliness. Because I think that means i couldn’t be less womanly..which I also hope isn’t true. I can’t cook. I destroyed shake and bake potatoes. I’m afraid to really try anything else. I think I just can’t do it.
I don’t know if you’re up for trying the chicken recipe again, but I just looked at it and I think it’s missing a step–or at least I would add a step to help with the breading.
After the buttermilk, put the chicken in a flour/pepper mix so it’s lightly coated. Then dip it in an egg wash (you know an egg or two with a few drops of water all beaten up) THEN put it in the breadcrumbs. The buttermilk alone, IMHO, isn’t enough to make them stay on. So it’s not your fault–it’s the recipe.
But I know all to well the shame of throwing something out and getting Taco Bell. It hurts my soul a little every time I think about it.
I feel your pain. My live-in boyfriend cooks almost every night. My New Year’s resolution was to try a new recipe on my own every week. The weirdest thing? The more complicated the recipe, the better they turned out for me–chicken parm? rockin. Garlic chicken with risotto? yes please!
—yet I can’t get hamburger helper to not be a goopy mess?! There are freakin’ step by step PICTURES with this shit. WTF.
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