Fisher-Price Can Suck My Big Fat Hairy Balls

Yeah, I said it.

I’ve always had a penchant for sending crazy emails. Random, empty can in my 12-pack of Sunkist? Email to the manufacturer. Typo on a menu? Email to the restaurant.  I enjoy the smell of your new line of deodorants? Email to Degree.

But now that there are children involved, my electronic correspondence is getting nasty. Since becoming a mother, I’ve become shameless. Hormonal, even, to the point of employing ALL CAPS the angrier I get.

The story:

While I was pregnant, I registered for this baby monitor. I’m really not sure why. The two-monitors thing kind of turned me on, me daydreaming that I’d be out in the yard gardening while Chris re-tiled the pool and the babies slept peacefully for six or seven hours at a time. You know, because babies don’t cramp your style or anything. And because having twins would magically motivate the two laziest people on the planet to become DIYers.

Anyhow, after the girls were born, they slept in their bassinet next to our bed for the first four months so we didn’t use the monitor. When Althea started to roll over, she also started smashing Elise and waking her up, so we moved them to their own cribs in their room. This is when we finally tried out the baby monitor. It worked for exactly one night before the damned thing stopped transmitting a signal.

Because it’d been so long since we purchased it, Babies R Us wouldn’t take it back. I had to contact Fisher-Price directly. The half-wit on the phone convinced me that I needed to unscrew the back of the receiver piece, even after I insisted it was the transmitter piece that was broken. After I destroyed the receiver trying to follower her instructions, the company sent me a new receiver.

But I still had a broken monitor. Because the f’n TRANSMITTER was broken, lady. Ugh.

Keep in mind that this entire time, I’d been sleeping in the girls’ room on the spare bed because we didn’t have a monitor.

Anyway.

Once the new piece arrived, I promptly called the customer support line again. This person listened to me and agreed to send a voucher for a new monitor in the mail once I mailed back the faulty monitor. Cool. Except for the part that I had to pay for the shipping costs to mail back a piece of shit monitor that they manufactured.

Dammit.

I waited more than two weeks. No voucher. This is when the nasty emails began. Note the use of ALL CAPS GODDAMMIT to convey my anger.

From: Me
To: Fisher-Price

Hello -

I mailed the monitor to you over two weeks ago and still have not received a voucher. I’m really getting frustrated with your company and lack of attention to a faulty product. I haven’t been able to sleep in my own bed for weeks because of this. Now that I’m looking around the house, EVERYTHING that we have for our twins that has broken has been Fisher-Price. I will NEVER buy anything of yours again and will warn fellow parents to not purchase from Fisher-Price either.

Please inform me of the status of my voucher. I’m angry that I’m being forced to purchase another one of your products.

***

From: Fisher-Price
To: Me

Thank you for contacting Mattel regarding your Private Dual Monitor.  We apologize for any disappointment or concern this may have caused and thank you for bringing this matter to our attention.

We have attached a traceable United States Postal Service mailing label for the return of your item.  You will need to pay the appropriate postage for your package when you take it to the post office.  It’s important that you request and retain an insurance receipt for protection against loss during transit.

Our mailing label has been sent in PDF format, which can be viewed using Adobe Acrobat.  If you do not have Adobe Acrobat, you can download it for free at the Adobe website, http://www.adobe.com/.

Please return your Private Dual Monitor to us within 30 days.  Upon receipt of your returned package, a voucher in the amount of $56.00 will be sent within 4 to 6 weeks.  If your product is still within the service policy and if the purchase price is more than this amount, it is necessary to include your original sales receipt showing the retail store name, the product name, the purchase price and date.

We appreciate this opportunity to assist you.

Sincerely,

Mattel, Inc.
Consumer Relations

***

From: Me
To: Fisher-Price

Today, I received the voucher you sent. The problem now is that the monitor we bought cost $64.99 and you sent a voucher for $56.

I cannot even begin to tell you how FURIOUS I am with Mattel/Fisher-Price. I demand that you send a voucher that will cover the FULL price of the monitor, including taxes. I can’t believe I’m even having to ask for you to pay for a defective product that your company made. On top of all of this, you made me pay for shipping to send the monitor back to you! Unbelievable!

Florida state sales tax is 7% for a total of $4.55, bringing the cost of the monitor to 69.54. Please send a voucher for the remaining amount immediately.

***

From: Fisher-Price
To: Me

Thank you for contacting Fisher-Price. We appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Under separate cover, we are sending an additional $14.00 voucher, for the difference in the cost you paid for your item.  We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused.

We appreciate the time you took to check with us.  If you have any questions or concerns in the future, please feel free to call us at 800-432-5437, Monday – Friday, 9:00 am – 7:00 pm, ET, and Saturday, 11:00 am to 5:00 pm, ET.

Sincerely,
Mattel Consumer Relations

***

So we went back to Babies R Us and got another of the same damned monitor! But I sure fooled Fisher-Price. I had a coupon that made my monitor much cheaper. This allowed me to use the vouchers for more Fisher-Price products, so we bought toys! There was a $16 overage that I had to pay in the end, but . . .

Wait.

Dammit.

They won again.