Maybe It’s Just Hormones
February 7, 2009 5 Comments
It’s Friday.
A few years ago, Friday night meant PARTY. It meant booze and cigarettes and staying up till 4 a.m., gabbing with my girlfriends or throwing a party. It meant falling asleep to bad TV and waking up late, hung over in my hedonism.
Now, it means time. Time to spend catching up. Time to spend with my daughters. Time to snuggle next to my husband under our clean, grown-up-people sheets. It means Chris asleep on the couch at 9 p.m. And tonight, it means staying up late to cry alone.
Tonight was bath night for the girls. I spoke softly to them in Spanish, gently soaping their tender baby skin. I quickly dried them to keep them from getting too cold. I slipped their tiny hands and arms through the tiny sleeves of their tiny clothes. I pulled them up close to me and nursed them, snuggling their little bodies closecloseclose to my sides. They hummed and breathed and swallowed the food my body worked so hard to make just for them. Their short little breaths went from an eager suck-swallow-breathe-suck-swallow-breathe, to the contented hum of a full belly, to the soft, rhythmic breaths of sleeping infants snug up against their mom. They were safe, happy, full, tired.
And then . . .
And then I cried. I cried and cried and cried. I cried at the feeling of them close next to me. I cried at the sound of their peaceful little sighs. I cried at the realization that these moments will never ever happen again. Their happy little feet won’t dance while nursing at my breasts forever. Their little bodies won’t fit on my nursing pillow much longer. Their clothes are straining at the snaps, their pleasantly chunky bodies outgrowing everything they wear.
Elise and Althea are going to be three months old on Monday. Is it significant that I’ll be 31 on Monday, too? That Chris turned 35 yesterday? The very thought of it makes me ache and hurt and bleed all over. I feel like screaming NO NO NO at whoever is controlling this whole thing. It hurts and it hurts and it hurts some more. And most of all, I hate the feeling that the everyday just happens and I can’t ever fill myself enough with the now to remember every detail, engage in every sight sound smell taste touch of these painfully perfect babies.
I’m terrified of forgetting today.
I want to trap these moments in a bottle so that someday I can tell my daughters all about how smitten I am with them.
I can’t believe I ever said I didn’t want to get married or have children. My life has never been more complete than it is with them and my husband.
(This emotional breakdown is courtesy of this slideshow from Dooce and this post from Mommy Melee. Thanks, bitches.)
5 comments
I just cried reading this post.
And yes, yes yes. Ugh.
I love your page & love this post. My son turned 3 months a week ago and i cried and cried too.
I remember a little over a year ago sitting in the bar with my friends, chain smoking, 1/2 drunk, cussing, making out with my boyfriend, celebrating my 23rd birthday. and for some reason, thought those were the best times of my life.
WOW was I wrong. 3 months later I was carrying this precious miracle and that was the beginning of the best times of my life. I wouldn’t trade my life now with my husband and son for anything.
i stopped smoking when i got pregnant and hardly even drink 1 beer a month. its strange how quickly your life changes when you become a mom, but you never look back.
Congrats on your two beautiful girls and hope these memories continue to be the “make you cry” kind. Those are the best ones! You will never forget these feelings. I’m positive.
Happy Birthday tomorrow as well. My husband is turning 40 this year and we’ve been having this same talk lately. Don’t think of it as another year older, think of it as another year for precious memories!
~Erin
Twitter: @erinjeany
ejsmomej[at]gmail[dot]com
http://ejsmomej.blogspot.com/
Time is passing painfully fast for me too. I also dread forgetting these moments and cannot believe that I thought I didn’t want this. Happy belated birthday!
I read your blog all the time and love it. You are a wonderful writer and you sound like an amazing mommy. This post made me cry because I feel exactly the same way…I want time to slow down so I can savor every moment but I find it speeding by. My DD will be 3 in June and I have to register her for preschool on Saturday! Owen is a week younger than your girls and I am so happy with love for him (and DD too) that I feel I could burst. But I am so sad that I know he will be my last and I will never have these moments again.
Thanks for sharing these moments, I truly enjoy reading them. Your girls are so darn cute!
This post made me cry. You have a way with words. I always enjoy reading your posts.
My girls are 4 1/2 months old. It’s a crazy life now, but wonderful too.
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