A Variety of Things That Piss Me Off

As a new mom, and a mom of multiples no less, I am shocked…SHOCKED!…at the idiotic remarks people make. So, here’s my list of Things That Are Currently Pissing Me Off:

• “Oh, a boy and a girl!” sometimes with the more-polite interrogatory inflection of “Oh, boy and a girl?” Okay. I understand that most babies are pretty ambiguous when it comes to their exterior gender markers (unless they’re naked…and even then, some things could be suspect). But 80% of the time that we’re out with the girls, people pull out the “oh-a-boy-and-a-girl” remark. Come on, people. Just TRY to look at the babies before you say something stupid, will ya? I will do many things to scar my children’s psyches, but dressing a boy in girl’s clothing is not one of them. This is currently my #1 cringe-inducing comment. (In case you’re wondering, Elise is my “son.” And no, we didn’t circumcise.)
• “You’ve got your hands full”;”Better you than me”;”You poor thing”, etc. Parents of multiples have an arsenal of retorts to comments like these – “Better full than empty!” “I’m glad it’s me and not you, too.” Believe it or not, having multiples is not a reason to pity us. It’s a freakin’ blessing, folks. A goddamned miracle. We don’t need pity. (I do, however, need a good part-time babysitter, so if you want to make yourself useful, get to work.)
• “How much weight did you gain?” I was in Publix, pushing my bad-ass double Snap-n-Go toward the lettuce, when I was stopped by a couple of nice ladies. After the usual “Boy and a girl?” “How much did they weigh?” “Do twins run in your family?” nonsense, one of the ladies turned to me and asked, without flinching, “How much weight did you gain?” Um. Stop the presses, people. Since when is it EVER okay to ask a woman about her weight? Your inappropriate curiosity doesn’t turn me into your fucking court jester. I’m not here to amuse you. (I gained 60 pounds, okay? You happy now?)
• “Oh, twins! So, do you watch that show? The one on cable with all the kids? Kate Plus Eight?” Why, yes! Yes, I do LOVE that show. It’s such an inspiration! Next time I get pregnant, I’m going to try for sextuplets! Let’s get something straight: NO. I do not watch that effing show on cable! And it’s “Jon and Kate Plus Eight,” so if you’re going to ask a lame question like that, at least get the title right. (So maybe I’ve seen the show a few times, but it was only to affirm that I indeed hate it and that wretched woman with that sorry excuse of a man. Okay, that was unfair of me to say. Having eight kids is bound to turn anyone a little sour.)
• “I had my kids x-number-of-months apart, so it’s just like having twins.” No. It’s not. You have no clue what you’re talking about. Did two babies emerge from your vagina at the same time? Did you breast- or bottle-feed them both at the same time? Did you ever get stopped by 79 people on your way to the goddamned pickles so that germ-infested strangers could ogle at your children? No? Then it’s NOT just like having twins.
• “Make sure you wipe front to back,” and other strange baby care reminders. On our first retail outing with the girls to Babies R Us, another set of parents of twins was in the store. After exchanging stories and pleasantries, the mom actually said to us in all seriousness, “Remember to wipe front to back!” I could not believe that a WOMAN had just said this to ANOTHER WOMAN in reference to changing a GIRL’S diaper. I was in a slight sleep-deprived stupor at the time, but I threw back something along the lines of, “Yeah, I know that from having my own vagina.”
• “I’m a twin,” “My mom’s a twin,” “My uncle’s best friend’s neighbor is a twin.” Um. Congratulations? I do understand the desire to connect with other twins, but it’s getting old.
• People who go out of their way to ogle my babies. On our almost-daily walk yesterday, a woman actually pulled her car over to look at the babies. And you know what she said when she stopped? You guessed it: “I’m a twin!” Insert the sound of me blowing my brains out here.