Week 36 Update

Okay, this isn’t funny anymore.

Has my uterus just given up? Have the babies forgotten they’re supposed to come out? Because I’m ready, folks. I’ve had it with the phone calls asking if there’s any news. Nothing’s happening.

So help a girl out, will ya? Do a water-breaking rain dance. Grab a uterus-shaped voodoo doll and give it a squeeze. Sprinkle some happy-baby gris gris into your tea. Send me a bunch of cervical hocus pocus. Or just put in your guesses for the birth here. 

I did lose my mucous plug (a.k.a. “the mustard plug”) over the course of two nights, Monday and Tuesday. Apparently, that means JACK SHIT and I’m still pregnant. I’ve tried everything. Walking (well, if you can call the shuffling waddle that I do “walking”). Spicy food. Sex, both with and without my husband. Long conversations with the girls. I’ve been picturing a flower opening up and birthing babies. I even had half a glass of wine. I’m *thisclose* to sitting in front of reruns of “A Baby Story” with my legs spread open so that the girls can see what they’re supposed to be doing.

Other than the obvious extreme aches and tear-jerking pains, everything is just fantastic, thanks! The non-stress tests are going well. Here’s a picture to prove it — it’s the last known photo of me smiling. Babies are great. Etc.

Short update this week. I hate to sound so ungrateful, but my morale’s in the shitter today. Perhaps I’ll catch up later.