Week 18 Update

I’m not very good at math, so bear with me while I work through something. If twins’ average gestation is 36 weeks, and half of 36 is 18, and I’m at 18 weeks, then . . .

YEAH SUCK IT I’M HALFWAY THROUGH.

Just for saying that, I’m going to end up carrying to 42 weeks.

As you can see, I’m rounder than ever. Wait, let me do my favorite trick: Compare the belly to when I thought I was big. How about week 14 versus week 18? Note the slope of the stomach, particularly at the top. I am not pointy, I am not droopy, I am ROUND. I am carrying ALL OVER the place.

This week brought about several new things. First, I went back up to G’ville to see all my gal pals. It was the first time I’d been around them without a drink in one hand and a smoke in the other. In fact, just the car ride up was disorienting. I used to chain smoke the whole ride, but this time I was looking around and noticing things on the road. “Oh look, cows!” I kept thinking I was on the wrong freeway.

While most everyone drank and smoked freely, I slurped on ice water. The temptation to pour a little cup of beer or wine was there, but I just couldn’t do it. Surely nothing would’ve happened if I’d had a sippy cup of Sam Adams. But my conscience wouldn’t let me touch it. Luckily another friend of mine up there is prego too (jesus, isn’t everybody nowadays??), so we drank water together.

I also had another “episode” on Friday, this time at Publix. Again, I waited too long to eat, I stood on my feet too long, and the blood sugar said “Fuck You.” Luckily, I recognized the feeling, so while Sandwich Lady shook salt on an egg salad on wheat, I politely stated, “Excuse me, I have to sit down now.” Plopped my ass in a chair at the deli and proceeded to pour sweat, pant and generally lose sense of where I was. I will tell you that if you are going to have such an episode, a supermarket is the place to do it. People came at me with OJ, crackers and cool cloths. I was set to go in 10 minutes.

The most significant change in the past week is that I truly cannot bend down anymore. Pen falls? It stays. Drop an ice cube? Fuck it, let it melt. I can’t reach it. This also means I can’t bend my knees upward much anymore, so putting on pants or exercise shoes (yes, I’m still moving once in a while) is really interesting.

The weight gain is just fine, thank you. 19 pounds now. Of course, I haven’t gone to the bathroom in a good week, so I’m retaining a little residue. But we’ll stick with 19. I’ll just reiterate that it is BIZARRE to gain weight and cheer about it.

Speaking of a growing belly, it finally started hitting me that my body’s gone. Gone gone gone. One’s stomach cannot grow that much in 18 weeks and go back to its former state. And I have another 4 months to go? Oh yeah. Good-bye abs. So long, tight skin. Why did I hate you all these years? You were just lovely. I miss you.

On the bright side, just 5 days till the ultrasound! It’s a long holiday weekend too; hopefully that’ll move things right along.