Mental State

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Things are not good.

After every pregnancy, I have suffered from heretofore undiagnosed post-partum depression (on top of my diagnosed bipolar II). With the twins, it set in around 8 or 9 months. Same with Amaia. This time, it started at around 2 months post-partum and has gotten bad enough to drive me back to the therapist and a psychiatrist for meds.

My bipolar symptoms have been awful. Moods so completely uncontrollable and violently swinging that I feel beyond crazy, beyond out of control. I don’t know what keeps me from driving into oncoming traffic.

On top of that, the therapist I was seeing quizzed me based on my input and diagnosed me with post-partum depression. Seems legit. And I’m in complete and total denial.

Many days, I’ve wanted to turn to my blog to vent, to talk about my reality, to share my experience in hopes that I might help some Internet passerby in a similar situation. But I’m so unbelievably overwhelmed — both by the fact of having four small kids, as well as by my own emotional instability — to actually do it. It’s been a very difficult 6 months and I’m finally breaking the silence.

I decided to go back on Lamictal, which is the medication used for my bipolar II. That in itself was a difficult decision because I’m committed to continuing nursing, and I don’t want to expose Elias to anything questionable. After consulting with two psychiatrists and doing my own thinking on it, though, I decided it was preferable to, you know, other options.

I started it back in late April. It’s a drug that has to be increased at a slow rate so as to avoid dangerous side effects, so I’ve been on it for two months. But the higher in dosage I went, the worse I felt. I ended up feeling so bleak, so dark, so down, that I could not contemplate going on another day. Yesterday was my last day taking it.

In a moment of clarity, I remembered my placenta tincture. For some reason, I had stopped taking it and kind of forgotten about it. I restarted it four days ago and, what do you know? I feel pretty darned good.

Now, I’m no doctor, but considering how good I felt during the first six weeks post-partum while taking my placenta pills, and now how much more sane I feel while taking my tincture, I have to guess I’ve got something hormonal going on. Just a guess. So I have an appointment with my OB tomorrow to see what he thinks about having my hormones tested, and what he thinks about trying another anti-depressant while I deal with post-partum depression (I tried Zoloft after having the twins, but I had horrible side effects and little relief).

Though I feel better for much of the day, nighttime is a different story. Elias still wakes to nurse at night. Oftentimes, I am unable to get back to sleep after nursing and I go into a horrible tailspin of anxiety, terror, and paranoia. I am convinced that the twins’ room is on fire, that Amaia’s curtains have caught fire, that someone has broken the glass in the twins’ bedroom and is kidnapping them, that the baby is having a seizure or is actually dead and not sleeping. That someone has just opened our bedroom door or patio door and is going to kill us. A terror grips me to the point that I feel like I can’t breathe and I’m hearing things.

Call me crazy yet? Don’t. Please. It’s very hard to talk about this stuff.

So, right now, I’m looking at some natural solutions for sleep and anxiety. If I could just sleep through the night, I feel like I’d feel better overall with the help of my tincture, at least until the noise of this depression goes away and I can assess where I’m really at mentally.

In the meantime, let’s see what Dr. Fabulous has to say about all this.

An Amaia Lexicon

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Amaia’s vocabulary has exploded in the last four months or so. Unfortunately, we still don’t know what she’s saying half the time. What we definitely know is that her current favorite words are “NO!” and “PINK!” We also know that much of her vocabulary revolves around the movie “Peter Pan” and the Disney show, “Jake and the Neverland Pirates”. Everything else that we have figured out, I have compiled here in the Official Amaia Lexicon:

Daiswai = Dinosaur
Go Gagos = Go Gators!
Boo = Pacifier
Peekas Way = Pixie dust away (from “Jake and the Neverland Pirates”)
Puh Pant = Peter Pan
Huh Hook = Captain Hook
Ki Kok Kok = Tic-Toc Croc
Jake Puh Piyets = Jake and the Neverland Pirates
Dis wun = That one
Day wun = This one
Kanks = Thanks (Unless it’s actually ‘skanks’, in which case we have a problem.)
NO! = NO!
NO! = YES!
YES! = NO!
PINK! = PINK!
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! = General displeasure with the state of affairs
Sea bass = ????

I think Amaia’s biggest problem — and soon to become our biggest problem — is that she’s still hooked on the pacifier and it has deformed her teeth and palate, thus hindering normal speech development. To be sure, the pediatric GI predicted as much back when we were concerned about her weight gain.

Certainly, Amaia’s tendency toward violent outbursts and excessive screaming has got to so with her inability to express herself or even be understood when she does talk.

So now I’m wondering about speech therapy. It would be preferable to get her started now, while the services are covered by state funds until she’s three years old.

Any experiences to share?

Elias at 7 Months

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Since I totally blew it on updating at 6 months, here’s Elias’ 7-month update.

Eating

Elias is still nursing amazingly well and we both thoroughly enjoy our nursing relationship. I’ve mastered the art of nursing him side-lying in bed to put him down for naps or when he wakes at night. He nurses 6-8 times a day, still waking at night at least once.

Last week, we also started him on some solids. Purees, more accurately. I know, Baby Led Weaning and all that jazz. I tried that sort of approach with Amaia when we saw that she wouldn’t swallow purees, only to find that she couldn’t chew either and so would choke constantly. I just don’t have time to have a freaking heart attack every time I feed Elias something. So purees it is, and his poop has already gotten a little more solid. Wahhh :(

He’s still reacting to cow’s milk, which is a bummer for me but I’ve gotten used to the dairy elimination. We’ll try some type of dairy product after he’s a year old or later to see if there’s still a reaction. For now, I’m giving him probiotics on most days as I remember.

Sleeping

The only predictable nap he has is the one he takes around 9 or 9:30 a.m. He’ll sleep for about an hour. He probably could have a decent routine if we weren’t always running around in the afternoon. He usually ends up sleeping in his car seat, or else staying awake and acting like a damned maniac. Poor kid.

Sizes

At his 6-month appointment, Elias was 17 pounds and 27″ long, so he’s a little more than that by now. He’s still a slow gainer, probably due to the milk allergy (?), but he’s gaining, growing, and hitting his milestones, so no one’s worried.

He’s in 6-9 month clothes, but just about into 9-12 month and wearing a size 3 diaper.

Milestones

I love this stage. Not quite mobile, but no longer slug-like either.

Elias just started sitting up unsupported yesterday (though he doesn’t get into a seated position on his own yet).

He can spin around in circles on his belly, and stretch and wiggle-worm to get to where he wants to go. He’s starting to pull his knees underneath himself and push up into a downward-dog position as of today.

Eye color looks like it’s going to be brown, like mine and the twins’. Baby hair is gone and a fine layer of brown hair is growing in.

He started making raspberries just a couple of days ago. He babbles all the time, smiles like crazy, and is generally just a pleasant, happy little guy. He’s definitely attached to me, though. If I leave the house after he’s gone to sleep, he’ll actually wake up within a few minutes of my departure. He also gets a little freaked out by strangers and will look to me for reassurance.

Elias got his first two bottom teeth (at the same time!) last week.

Elias at 7 months old, sitting up and sporting his two bottom teeth

Elias at 7 months old, sitting up and sporting his two bottom teeth

In other news, we had his follow-up with the allergist this morning. We did a chest X-ray last week, which showed some inflammation in his lungs (some kind of bronchial reactive airway or something?). The allergist said it was mild and not indicative of permanent lung damage or asthma.  

Incidentally, Elias’ five-month long cough has finally just about faded away in the past couple of weeks. That coincides with having replaced our down comforter with a down alternative, as well as having our house cleaned top to bottom for 6.5 hours by two kick-ass cleaning ladies. He didn’t test positive for a dust mite or dust allergy, though. So either way, I’m guessing I have to, like, clean more or something. Sucks.

People are Sick

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I was recently informed that someone posted one of my blog photos and used it to advertise twin babies for adoption on Craig’s List.

I am sad to do this, but I am looking into taking down my blog. I have experienced too many stolen images with sick, sick intentions to keep looking the other way.

I have loved having this blog. I have been thrilled to help others experiencing the joy and fears of a twins pregnancy. But I can’t continue to let twisted fucks use my life to do whatever it is they do.

Thanks for reading and thanks for all the years of support.

How We Stroll

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With four kids, you’d think I’d have a lot more to say about baby/kid gear. In particular, I should be posting more about how the heck we get out of the house with everyone.

Well, if you’ve been wondering, you’re in luck now. I got this email from a reader yesterday:

I have two boys (3 1/2 and 2 1/2) and a third boy due in September. I’m wondering what you have done with all your littles and stroller choices? My oldest will be as old as your twins by the time the baby is born, but he still likes to ride in his stroller pretty regularly rather than have to walk at the park, zoo trips, etc. The younger is the same. I have a double jogger that I love but I’m afraid that banishing one boy to the front “step” so I can put the baby in the seat will result in hard feelings and toddler tantrums. I have a big truck so I’m not worried about something fitting in the trunk of a car. I was thinking along the lines of a triple jogger like the one you have/had. Could you fill me in? Thanks!!

Getting around when you have a lot of small, stroller-aged children is difficult and daunting. In our case, we are majorly outnumbered and all of our kids are really young. If you find yourself in a similar position, you might think you’ll won’t set foot out the front door for a few years.

But! Have no fear! I will fill you in on how we get around and what has worked/not worked for us so that you, too, might see the light of day yet.

First, an inventory of what we’ve had/what we have:

  • Baby Trend Double Snap n Go
  • Baby Trend Single Snap n Go
  • Two umbrella strollers
  • Jeep tandem stroller
  • Combi TwinSport double stroller
  • Baby Trend single Expedition jogging stroller
  • Baby Trend double Expedition jogging stroller
  • Mountain Buggy triple stroller
  • Baby Trend Sit n Stand
  • A variety of baby carriers: Moby wrap, Baby Bjorn, Ergo, Boba 3G, Baby K’Tan

A timeline of sorts:

Just the twins

We’ve never had a single-child, single-stroller scenario. We started out with a double stroller and we don’t know any different.

When the twins were infants, we relied almost solely on the Baby Trend Double Snap-n-Go. I loved this stroller. I could snap the twins into it in their infant car seats and not worry about waking them up or fitting through doorways.

The girls are almost six weeks old here in their carseats

The girls are almost six weeks old here in their carseats

The storage on this thing is great, too. In the early days before I got brave, I used to walk with the twins in the Double Snap-n-Go to a nearby supermarket to do some grocery shopping. Whatever I could fit in the storage basket was what I could buy, and this sucker could fit most of what we needed — a 12-pack of Coke, milk, bread, whatever. (It wasn’t until years later that I noticed the storage basket has a five-pound limit. Oops.)

As the twins outgrew their infant seats, I started looking at double strollers. We settled on the Jeep tandem stroller pictured here. It was reasonably priced and worked for a time — a short time. As with the Snap-n-Go, I found the maneuverability of a tandem stroller to be pretty crappy, especially as the kids got heavier.

New stroller

I tested out a friend’s side-by-side double stroller and couldn’t believe what I’d been missing out on. The steering! The ease of pushing! And it still fit through a standard doorway! I had to have one. We went for a Combi TwinSport, mainly because it had a single handle instead of the umbrella-style, which is almost impossible to steer with one hand.

in_shades101510

This stroller lasted us about a year until Amaia was born and my needs changed again.

Somewhere in here, we purchased two cheap umbrella strollers, figuring we’d get tons of use out of them. We used them exactly once.

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Three kids

With three kids, we had different considerations. The twins were a little over 2 years old when Amaia was born. I originally bought a single Snap-n-Go for Amaia, figuring it would serve us as well as the double had for the twins.

single snap n go

single snap n go

But at the time, the twins weren’t in school and we frequented parks and other outdoor venues for playtime. I quickly discovered that the Snap-n-Go was useless to push around mulch and sand. So I bought a Baby Trend single Expedition jogging stroller.

single-jogger

This purchase has proved a smart one, as I still use this stroller daily. It pushes easily through mulch and park sand, accommodates an infant seat so I don’t have to wake the baby to move him, and is mostly okay for actually jogging with (as long as the front wheel is locked — there’s a major and well-known issue with the front wheel shaking. You get what you pay for, I guess.). Oh, and it’s just about $100 new. You can often find them used on Craig’s List, so it’s doable for many families.

When we went to DisneyWorld a few times with all three kids, we opted to bring the Combi double stroller for the twins as well as the infant seat snapped into the Expedition jogger for Amaia (she was still small at the time). In addition, I brought a carrier to wear Amaia in case she got sick of the car seat. Yes, it was cumbersome to get all our kids, strollers, car seat, and other shit on the tram in a reasonable amount of time, but we did it.

One thing that was not useful for us? A triple stroller. I bought a used Mountain Buggy triple stroller and we’ve only used it a handful of times for walks around the neighborhood.

My two favorite guys in the whole world and our three lovely daughters.

I just didn’t find it practical or necessary for everyday use. The stroller is beautifully constructed and maneuvers like a dream for a triple stroller. But dude. This thing is a beast. It’s got to weigh 50 pounds, so it’s a feat to pick up and put in the trunk. And forget about fitting through a single doorway. I much prefer a double jogging stroller and wearing one of the kids to pushing this around.

Four kids

As far as child transportation is concerned, going from three to four kids involves even more contraptions.

We met our first challenge when we wanted to do DisneyWorld again this year. We wanted to give everyone the option/ability to sit in a stroller. I wanted to wear the baby much of the time, but I also needed the option of putting him in his infant seat to give me a break sometimes, too.

The only way we could conceive of doing this was to purchase a used Baby Trend Sit n Stand for Amaia and the baby, and to take the double jogger with us.

(There are no photos of this. We’re still not sure how we actually survived that trip with two giant strollers.)

Although the Sit n Stand is a pain to maneuver compared to a jogging stroller, the arrangement worked great for our needs. Chris pushed the twins in the jogger while I took Amaia and the baby.

Everyday strolling

Not every day is a Disney Day, sadly. Our daily stroller needs are pretty minimal with 4-year-old twins and a 2-year-old. Everyone walks while I either take the baby in a carrier or infant seat snapped into the single jogger. In general, my recommendation for friends who are going from two to three children is to wear the baby everywhere instead of buying bigger strollers.

Bottom-line recommendations

If I had to do it over again knowing what I know now, I would have invested in an awesome, quality double side-by-side jogging stroller, a quality single jogger, and a variety of good baby carriers. What they say about “you get what you pay for” and “buy right once” and whatever else they say is true. We’ve obviously wasted a ton of money on crap strollers when we could have purchased quality the first time and skipped all the junk.

Next up will be my totally non-smug breakdown of the baby carriers we’ve used. You’re welcome.

A Crappy Story

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I know you’ve been on the edge of your seats, wondering what’s going on with Amaia’s crap. I’m sorry to have kept you waiting for so long.

For quite some time, Amaia’s poop has been . . . well, pretty freaking disgusting, to put it bluntly. Not that human shit is ever a bouquet of roses, but Amaia’s poop defied the laws of decency. First, it was totally formless, like soft mashed potatoes, and it completely filled her diaper. And it was BLACK. And the smell? My god, it would knock you over from 15 feet away. Not like a regular poop smell, but a toxic, sickly, acidic smell. It got to the point where it was so acidic that it would actually burn the skin off her privates, causing her to cry and fight in agony with every diaper change.

She had some other vague maladies as well. A constantly runny nose. Dark circles under her eyes, despite adequate sleep. Lack of hair growth. Very small stature. Slow weight gain. Stunted speech. Maniacal behavioral outbursts. Frequent and violent night-waking.

It was easy to chalk it up to one thing or another, but around her birthday, I finally started investigating the issue. We first took in a stool sample to the pediatrician to confirm that there was no blood present.

Then, a little over a month ago, as I started eliminating dietary allergens for Elias’ poop issues, it started dawning on us that Amaia was having a dietary issue. If she had milk kefir, or a drinkable yogurt, or a Greek yogurt, or a few pieces of cheese, or some milk, her intestines would absolutely explode.

I consulted the pediatrician and then took her to an allergy specialist, just to have another set of eyes and ears on the case. But since I had eliminated dairy already for Elias, Chris and I decided a couple of weeks ago to just pull dairy out of Amaia’s diet as well.

And just like that, Amaia changed.

With a single day of eliminating obvious sources of dairy, Amaia’s poop went to normal. I mean, NORMAL. Like regular old brown, poop-smelling, softly formed, human crap.

That in itself was remarkable. But then other things started happening, seemingly within days. Her hair started growing like crazy. The dark circles under her eyes disappeared. Her speech took off — she’s now talking in 4, 5, even 6-word sentences. She’s starting to potty train. She sleeps through the night without random screech-fests. She’s still a maniac otherwise, but can at least be distracted to obedience some times. And her tiny, newborn-sized butt — adorable as it is! — seems to be filling out a little.

We’ve opted to do her first-ever round of antibiotics to try and combat the six-month-old snotty nose (in case it actually is bacterial at this point. Maybe not a big deal to some, but it has made me lose sleep.). But for the first time in seemingly forever, her face isn’t covered in snot.

What else is interesting is that Amaia tested negative for milk allergy. But because she’s so obviously reacting well to dairy elimination, the allergist is diagnosing a milk intolerance, either to the protein or the lactose. The doctor is a bit too aggressive and conventional for me (see antibiotics, above — in addition to requesting several X-rays and extensive, invasive bloodwork) so we’re looking for a second opinion for further care.

It is remarkable, however, to think that these seemingly disparate symptoms have actually been interrelated . . . and all connected to food.

Which makes me wonder all over again about her issues with breastfeeding. Which makes me wonder about Elias’ issues with poop and weight gain.

Over the past year or so, I’ve become increasingly interested in the role that food has in modern human disease — which is nearly all, as far as I’m concerned. Oh sure, I’ve been food-obsessed for years. But health and disease was not really a worry until I realized I could actually, like, die.

It has taken a complete suspension of trust in mainstream Western medicine and a whole lot of reading to start understanding it, but it has answered a lot of questions for me.

Now, I will gleefully go change Amaia’s shitty diaper. Because it smells and looks like actual shit.

Unintentionally Trained

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Well, I guess Amaia is potty training.

I really had no interest in pursing training her until summertime in the hopes that she would just learn on her own like her sisters did.

But she’s learning by watching Elise and Althea, as well as the older kids at school. For months, she’s been asking so sweetly to “Sit? Potty? Big girl?” We’ve been humoring her, stripping off her diaper and setting her on the toilet. She never would pee.

Until this past week or so. She asked to sit on the potty and what do you know, the little girl made her very first tinkle on the toilet! Followed by another, and another.

Of course, she’s also peed on the couch, the carpet, and taken a crap on a kitchen chair. But hey. Progress is progress, right?

Today, I took all the kids to the dealership to get the oil changed in the van. On a group trip to the restroom, Amaia asked to use the potty. I reluctantly put on her on and, to my delight, she actually peed in a public toilet!

We haven’t actually ventured out in public in panties yet, but that’s next. And you know what that means? I’ll be down to just one child in diapers!

I’ve always seen Amaia as such a baby in the family. But it’s clear that she’s a determined, independent, and ambitious kid who is growing up before my eyes.